Almost time to reset the year

First something to clear the mind:



This video, I swear to the gods, this is what i see when i pass out drunk. It's beautiful.

Feeling insecure? this illustration will either hurt, help or have no effect, guaranteed.

Don't believe that new Mileage standards cannot be met easily and cheaply.

Chestocrates' latest commentary on the inability of the masses to stop making babies was spot on. I recommend it. Funny that at the same time myself and the other members of our ZARP (Zombie Attack Response Plan) were doing some recreational shooting out on the farm. Turns out a shotgun is an amazing tool.

I'm not sure if i should spread word of this (NSFW) product but here we go. Basically, it's a liquid that's meant to smell like a woman's nether region and is eye catching for two reason: One, is the video (can't link directly to it but it's relatively easy to find in their fairly minimalistic site) which is simply indescribable. Two, is the fact that i just acquired an Orange Juicer that has helped me realize how little juice one can extract from a single fruit. Think about it...

(actually, don't. You might die.)


So the world's fucked? I'm still happy.

love it

Sell out

To celebrate my first year of gainful employment, I sold out to electronic Novocaine in the form of a TV and PS3 and together they're shiny as hell. Expect a steep dive in blog performance.

And speaking of gaming, here's a shout out out to all my old school gamers. (Gauntlet 4 Life)



That is all.

2007

was a strange year



(it shan't be forgotten as much as the others)

via Top Gear

The Koenigsegg! Supercars are usually uncool because they’re pretentious, but this one is cool because of the simple fact it’s so dangerous you can go through the Pearly Gates backwards in a fireball; a cool way to die.

(Hammond makes no demur, and enjoys the thought of blasting in there backwards in a flaming Swedish supercar)

I’m here! Where are the women?

good luck getting anything done

in the next 15 minutes

It's cold now

Rather than running, I am lifting. Rather than fiating, I am home-brewing technology

Want to make your OWN 4-cell, palm-sized opponent-blinding flashlight? You're gonna need some J.B. Weld.

fdjkh

Today i shook the hand of the Iron Sheik, a great professional wrestling villain from my youth and what must have been the easiest bad guy to come up with...

{flash back to WWF marketing brainstorm session}
-It's the 80's and we need a bad guy
-Everyone hates foreigners...
-And the Iranians!

Thus was born the Foreign Legion and the Sheiks reign as tag-team champion. (okay, so maybe the Iran stuff happened after the Sheik. Fuck you and your linear sense of time.)

Did i mention that the Sheik was appearing at a local Gentleman's establishment? Because he was and that's where we went to see him. I think he wrestled a 100 women, which was impressive considering his old, feeble and chemically altered state. Either that or he sat in the corner. Eventually he would take center stage and work up the crowd for 15 minutes yelling incoherent rambling about being in Detroit, Wrestlemania Three and the "Toe Chesta" which is how he pronounced "Toy Chest" (the establishment)

Other knowledge dropped by the Sheik:
The Ultimate Warrior engages is sex with men
Jake the Snake is a Jabroni
Junkyard dog was a good man (R.I.P)
The other half of the foreign legion is a well to do, thrifty, man of Jewish decent.

Sadly, there was no mention of or demonstration for the camel clutch but i assure if we'd have been at a better establishment we could have had some visual aids.

regardless, autographs and photos were both 5 dollars so we left with neither.

Later we repeated the typical day before Thanksgiving rituals. Some of it was new, but most of it was not.

When it was over, sometime approximately equal to now, I stood out in the snow. This is the first snow of the year and it was real, frozen, hard enough to bounce of your skin and jacket and make that tell-tale sound, type snow. I stood there for a while and it was very quiet and for some reason it reminded me of this place.

Back to the Absurdity

Much has happened in the last few weeks but nothing noteworthy enough to remember or retell here. So like sitcoms and the girls at the strip club, we'll pretend no time or event has passed since our last encounter.

After an exhaustive on-again, off-again 3 week search, i was finally able to download a copy of the fairly obscure Cherry 2000.

This pleases me.



Cherry 2000 is straight out of the 80's, my youth and the sci-fi robot world that blew my mind as a youngster. It's a fine flick about a man and his live-in robot women (i.e. maid/sex-bot) and his travels through post apocalyptic America to find replacement parts for her. I remember watching this movie with my folks, which thankfully wasn't too uncomfortable as I remember it to be nudity-free.

Time has not been kind to Cherry 2000 but i promise you it's worth watching. At least that's how i remember it. I haven't watched the download yet but it certainly wouldn't be the first time a movie turned out to much more sour than i remember it being... you know, in the 80's.

If nothing else, it should be noted that the Cherry of Cherry 2000 was voted the #1 Gynoid. See it here.

sold!

holy shit

yes, i realize this has become a place for simple recycled internet content, but dammit i'm busy getting my learn on and ripping my muscles.

How did YOU think I lost the Caddy?

it's been a full week

first, something to relax us:


Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit

i can't wait for the future.

today a suited-man suit with a fancy briefcase (the combination of which obviously validates his statements) told me we should mind the conversation where we were. he said big brother was alive and well in this town and it's government buildings were not to be trusted.

"it wouldn't surprise me if they had MICs in those bathrooms."

so we continued our conversation in the parking lot where they may have been able to see us "but likely couldn't hear us"

it seems my business with big brother isn't finished yet.

in these trying times, it's important to stay focused on what's important


Ultra Records: Destination Calabria
those are the tightest formations i've ever seen. this band would do awesome at sectionals

(you want more? i got more. my new goal in life is to become the minister of sound.

remember

"it could all come crashing down"

(thanks Skelert)

we should train more

You lazy Zombie Fucks

New side bar link.

Here's an example of what you might find there, though admittedly, this particular one is better if you've partied with the dutch.

"pops married his job"

more here

through the hills, even

On this date in history, 2007: Sophist runs 10 consecutive sub-10-minute miles; declares entire world "chump."

college is hard

I've finally found a religion i can get behind. (some mutherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill)

Currently the mac is transferring 50 gig of music from it's native hard drive to the external drive, for as with all mac devices, it runs slower than a arthritic three-legged dog when operating without any free space.

Also, this guy is dead. "I didn't even know his last name."

Finally, now that I'm back in college (your mom says hi. from college. where she goes) It means I'm back in supply of highly entertaining campus watch newsletters.

Enjoy.

Between August 29, 2007 and September 12, 2007 one incident of 'Robbery Not Armed' and two incidents of 'Attempted Robbery Not Armed' have been reported on public streets in close proximity to campus. The incidents have some similarities and are summarized as follows:


Incident #1: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:15am
W. Kirby, between Cass and Woodward

A 25 year old female student reports she was putting money in a parking
meter when she felt a "tug" on her purse. She turned and noticed the
below described subject pulling on the purse. The subject punched the
student in the head, knocking her down. He got control of the purse and
fled on a bike, riding east on Kirby and north into the Historical
Museum parking lot, from there unknown. The student had minor
injuries.

Description: Black male, 18-25 years, 6'2" tall, no facial hair, medium
complexion, yellow baggy sweat shirt, dark pants, last seen
riding a 10 speed bike.


Incident #2: Monday, September 10, 2007 1:15pm
W. Warren at North Lodge Service Drive

A 26 year old female student reports she was sitting on the grass
waiting for her ride. There, she was approached by the below described
subject who exposed himself and then tried to snatch the students purse
from her shoulder. The subject was not successful and he fled across
Warren to the shopping plaza parking lot. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 40's, black plain tee shirt, black shorts, no
facial hair, described as being "clean" and not a homeless type.

Incident #3: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 8:00pm
W. Kirby between Cass and Woodward

A 20 year old male student reports he was walking on the sidewalk when
and unknown male grabbed his backpack from behind. The student turned
around and the subject punched him in the mouth. The victim punched the
perpetrator in the face, knocking him to the ground. The student then
fled on foot. The perpetrator obtained nothing and was last seen
laying on the ground. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 25-40 years of age, full beard, wearing a
black baseball hat facing forward, a grey hoodie with black
lettering, dark pants.

PREVENTION TIPS:

To reduce your chances of becoming a robbery victim, we recommend you routinely walk in areas where you can see others and others can see you.
Robbery perpetrators, like any other criminal, don't want to be caught "in the act" of robbing someone. They prefer areas where neither potential victims or witnesses will see them. By staying in populated areas, you increase your chances of never being selected for this type of crime.
Whether you are in the city or the suburbs and you find yourself confronted by a robber, the most important thing that you can do during the incident is to prevent, if possible, any violence. Always assume the robber is armed, even if you can’t see a weapon, and act accordingly. If you are the victim of a robbery, consider these important tips:

• Get it over with quickly. Chances are if you stall, the robber will get
nervous and may be more prone to violence.

• Nothing you have or own is worth getting hurt for. Valuables can be
replaced, you can not.

• Do what the robber asks, but do not volunteer to do anything more. Move
quickly, but carefully to give the robber exactly what they want.

• Do not fight or try any impulsive heroics. The risks are high if the
robber is armed.

• Do not volunteer to go anywhere with the robber or allow them to take
you anywhere. The odds are heavily against you if you allow them to
take you to a secondary crime scene where they have more privacy and
more control over you.

• Do not chase the robber. Carefully note their physical description and
the direction they flee in. If they have a vehicle, note it's type,
color and license plate if possible.

• If you have the opportunity to flee, do so immediately. The robber
wants your property most of all. Drop it or throw in one direction,
then run in the opposite direction, to any area where there may be
other people around.

ouch. my soul.

Radical. Mostly.

Run. Class. Run. Class. Run.

This story would be better if it weren't in Esquire. I don't think this would work in real life but very much love the idea. (even if the author is a tool) I can say i think I'm about as honest as is socially possible, but eventually the return on self satisfaction is eclipsed by the explosion of anger. But I'll say, the idea is pretty appealing.


I'm not gonna lie. College was FUCKED up

(and those are cross-dressers)

Ironman Is Here

Speaking of arms dealers.... life's all about good marketing.


Tales Of Brave Ulysses
By eric clapton and martin sharp
(compliments of Shad from work)

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.


I really love XKCD



this is exactly how I feel about zombies

well fuck me

I will officially consider this my moment of fame. Turns out if you search the google for "Don't talk watch I will bite your torso" (athf ref.) the Sophist Webpage is first on the list.

As well, "athf+movie+lyrics+knife+face" will find me in the top 10, "bite your torso" with "give you a disease" puts me at number 2 and '"i will bite" lyrics' puts me in at lucky number 3.

If cutting isn't your thing, you can also find the Sophist's home in results 161 to 170 if you're searching for "what's hulk hogan's cell phone number . com" and finally, what's the only web result you can find when prodding the tubes for info about "Ace Hardbody?" You guessed it...

I will now sit back and wait for the sluts to roll in. (all the way to the bank)

fragments

******************

First day of fall grad class. Grad school, I've discovered is like a wrapped present, and on the first day you discover at level of insanity your prof is and to what degree of absurdness the course will be taught.

******************

Speaking of Alt. Energy, not all ideas are Good ideas.

******************

This piece of news is just another bullet in the corpse of privacy.

******************

accelerated marathon training is destroying me.

******************

Can no one appreciate my desire to nail a hot, drunk chick wearing a Megatron mask in the butt?

******************

Detroit Awesome-O radio quote of the day:
"Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke"

******************

Annual House of the Struggle Halloween party is in full effect this year. All efforts will be made to blow. you. away. Be There! BE THERE! IF YOUR NOT THERE YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL.... IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, BREAK OUT! (10.27.07)

******************



I will now leave you in the hands of beauty: (compliments of H)

My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey July 2, 2007

Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing he does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowed them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.)

Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”

The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”

Show monkey wandering around, injured, lost and alone. Make him trip, using fishing line attached to his leg. (Try to get this on first take, because after that monkey will probably try to bite off fishing line.)

Show giraffe being chased by a lion. If not too expensive, use full-sized, realistic robotic lion, able to run at full speed. Otherwise get a man in a lion suit.

The oppressive sun beats down on monkey (heat lamp). Monkey looks up with an expression that says, “Why, oh sun, do you torment me so?” (Get good director.)

We see lion eating a giraffe. At first, we think it is our giraffe, but then we are relieved to see it is a baby giraffe.

Rock slide covers monkey (fake monkey). Show monkey crawling out (real monkey with a few heavy rocks laid on top of him).

Narrator: “Can the monkey and the giraffe survive? Will they ever be reunited?”

Show monkey trying to join group of monkeys (real monkeys or children in monkey suits, whichever is cheaper). Our monkey is driven away by the leader of the monkey pack, a vicious, snarling brute (papier-mâché marionette). Subtitle translates snarls as “You thought you were so great when you were riding on that giraffe’s neck, but you aren’t so high and mighty now.”

Show giraffe, alone in the darkness, shivering from fear (ice packs on legs). Finally, he falls asleep (sleeping pills?). We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully approaches a gravestone. At first, he can’t make out the name on it, but when he finally does he is shocked. The name on the gravestone reads, “The Monkey.” The giraffe wakes up in a cold sweat (heat lamp).

Show two female explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, nearby are two explorers, Laci and Brandy.” Show the explorers swimming for quite a while. Then show them getting dressed and leaving. We notice they have left behind a pair of binoculars.

The monkey is starving now. We know this because when he looks at a parrot on a branch it turns into a roasted, steaming parrot on a branch.

Narrator: “The monkey is now at the end of his rope. So he puts his faith in the Almighty.” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s hands together.) Show monkey walking along later. (Be sure to unglue hands first.) He sees a glowing treasure chest and opens it—it’s filled with bananas. (Have choir singing in background, so you know it’s from God.)

Refreshed and healed by that good banana nutrition, the monkey heads off. For comic relief, show monkey approaching a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey will not approach skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he will relax and go up to skunk. However, do not let him drink too much or he may kill skunk.

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focusses on, yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Just then, the giraffe is shot by a tranquillizer dart. We show the shooters, two trappers from a zoo. We know they are evil because we saw a part earlier where they were shooting each other with tranquillizer darts, to get high.

Cut to a truck travelling across the savanna. In a cage in the back is the giraffe, looking sad (half a sleeping pill). But then we reveal that it’s not the two trappers driving the truck but the monkey! (Note: Use cheap truck, because monkey will probably wreck it.)

Show the two trappers sitting on the ground, tied up. No need to show how the monkey captured them; just have one of the trappers say, “That damn monkey!”

Show monkey releasing giraffe from cage and monkey leaping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: Monkey may not do this, so put monkey on giraffe’s neck and jerk back with harness; then show film in reverse.)

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited at last, as nature intended.” Show giraffe trying in vain to reach a piece of fruit high on a tree branch. The monkey clambers up on top of giraffe’s head and picks the fruit, but then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe something to induce choking, then dub in laughing sounds.)

Show the two female explorers returning to the lagoon, looking for the binoculars. They can’t find them, so they just decide to go swimming again.

Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sunset. Question: Would it be too much to show monkey wearing a little cowboy hat? Cute, but maybe hurts reality of the documentary. ♦



I guess this is close enough.

(Yeah, my blog has nudity when the joke necessitates as well as superfluous references to butt sex when it doesn't.)

back in the real world

...and by real i mean bunk


when did torpedoes get so damn powerful? And why does that guy on the radio look suspiciously like me?

See more here.

Also, consider this your warning: If i see anyone wearing this suit, I will try to run you over with my car.


{Que the Fear Factory: Invisible Wounds}

In other news, can the Sophist transform himself from drunken Grecian-beach bum to marathon god in a mere 6 weeks? Perhaps. The good news is I seem to be capable of building endurance faster than any person I know.

se7en

Turns out seven really is always the answer. (Also, Jessica Alba is a good guess as well).

Reminds me a lot of Greece for some reasons.


Speaking of which, rather than running an "out of 10" scenerio, I'll just sum together what i learned, since I'm come to view all experiences are neither good nor bad and simply as being.

Communication failures will inevitably fuck things up.

Jokes never translate well, but friends are made by laughing anyway.

When (Interpretive) dancing to a remix of the "I wanna fuck you in the ass" song with Dutch girls, it's hard to keep a straight face. It's best not to try explaining why this is funny to you.

Getting back to my roots and taking work as a photographer only proved that while it was the best job i ever had, I'm rusty and may not have been that good at it.

Communications failure will get you smacked for photographing the wrong two girls. (It was her fiery Polish blood, I suspect)

Eating Greek bread is like walking up a sandy hill. Much more fun is walking up a sandy hill and then rolling down, but slightly less so when hung-over.

Your ears can hold a lot of sand.

A wingman, I've been told, has only three permitted responses: Affirmative, you've got the lead and.. err.. something else.

Wind surfing is not as easy as it looks but more likely than not, its faulty equipment.

Anatomically Perfect is a real thing.

It seems Europe has not produced any good music ever.

What do you call a person that speaks two languages? Bi-lingual. What do you call a person that speaks one language? An American. It's painful when everyone understands you, but has a secret language (or 3) with which they can hide their comments.

Sometimes a strip club full of Russian strippers is a case of human trafficking, and sometimes, after further investigation, it's just a good place to hang out.

The Fiat Spider was built for the rural roads of Europe and bringing it to the US is like putting a beautiful bird in a cage.

When arranging a meeting with a Russian stripper who speaks 27 languages and could likely recover a year's salary from sale of your organs, always bring a buddy.

"In the name of science" is a pretty good justification for most things.

Sometimes a bouncer will smack you up when mistaking your American Machismo for British Hooliganism.

Americans will always dominate at a carnival games involving shooting a gun. (Unless there's some strange scoring system that you don't understand because you're an American and likely don't speak the native language.)

Gypsy children are devil-shysters with several dirty, underhanded moves that can incapacitate a grown man.

The Swedes are admirably stoic to the above mentioned moves.

body surfing is as fun as it sounds and you should always skinny dip, drunk or otherwise, in the ocean at dawn when the opportunity presents itself.

Europeans have no sense of distinction between "modern," "metrosexual" and "homo-erotic," which will often lead to fashionably dressed men dancing way too close to each other and scamming super hot babes.

Fresh orange juice is delicious.

High school-aged girls with tits of scientifically-improbable perfectness are too intimidated by American Machismo to dance.

Left alone in an airport, Quagmire will be found drunk and passes out, possibly kicking the girl on the bench next to him.

Europeans have never (until now) heard the toasts "A ring doesn't fill a hole," "If you can't come in her, come honer" or anything involving a Bill Murray quote.

I'm the best male dancer on the Island of Rhodes. I don't think many people realized this.

The dude on the beach will claim that he's losing money by renting his jet ski's are 10 euro/min ($14/min). He is not to be believed.

A dozen or so topless beaches full of anatomically perfect euro-chicks is one of those ideas, the goodness of which holds up well to scrutiny and scientific method.

It's pointless to argue gun-rights with a bunch of rave girls

Everyone in Europe under the Age of 25 has spent many months or years of their lives traveling to every corner of the earth. Corporate America is a life-choking bitch and if such a thing as a soul exists, ours have been sold for Nike shoes and I-pods.

In some or all Scandinavian nations, if a girl accepts a drink bought for her, its like agreeing on the spot to fuck you later.

A good hostel is like a disco with beds.

Polar Bear 7 and Iceman are good drinking buddies. Derek the Irishman is good at pool but I can hold my own against him and I think i can out drink him. Kristine the Canadian is disproportionately hotter than her two friends and I hope Bryon the Australian scored with her. Bryon the Australian is the first guy I've ever "picked-up" in a bar, that is, I saw him standing there alone, struck up a conversation and invited him back to our table were we (with many others to join later) drank merrily for the evening. Paul and Scott, though both staying in our hostel room, you guys would never have hung out with each other if not for our roaming party of American Gusto. As far as I can tell, Svetlana is the most interesting person in Europe and though she may be seeking a green card, she is NOT as it turns out interested in harvesting my Kidneys. And lastly, to the The Dutch girls we danced with for hours: You seemed to have unlimited energy and (perhaps it turns out, because of a communication failure) you weren't interested in sitting around and drinking while we recovered feeling in our legs. And even though i was merely jumping on the land mine for Quagmire, i felt a pain in my heart when I found my dutchette several days later in the same bar making out with 3 chicks... Perhaps we should have stuck around to see how that one was going to shake-out.



I guess that's it. To sum it up, i would recommend spending your last night/morning in Europe at a London rave (because you have no alarm clock and can't guarantee waking up for your plane.) at which point somewhere in club, you'll utter the words "I gotta catch a flight to Detroit." 4 hours from rave to plane.


21:58 AMENDMENT: After taking a quick, mind-clearing run, i realized i forgot two things.

First, everyone in the non-USA free-world seems to use Facebook. And no matter how many guy's email addresses you bring home from Europe, all exchanged with the promise of "I'll totally come crash at your place some day, man!" you girl friend will never accept your explanation of International Good Will when it comes time to explain the scraps of paper and napkins with the names and email addresses of girls from all over the world. Especially if one is a Russian Striper.

Second, it seems that Greece and possibly all of the warm places in Europe are full of scooters. This leads to an ABUNDANT number of super hot chicks riding tiny scooters in pairs. I call this phenomenon "Two girls on a scooter" and every time i see it i think the world is a beautiful place and consider donating all my money to an orphanage. However the yang to this ying is the inevitable "Two shirtless guys on a scooter" which brings me back to my point about European men and perceived sexuality.

I'm sorry

but there is no reason to not live on a Greek beach and leave the world to it's own devices



goodnight

(that guy's a dick...)

robots

so maybe not all robots are evil



i still want to cut them open and see their insides.

I remember the girls from MTU

I think knowing me really changed those girl's lives... (Is it weird to recognize that the hottest chick has the best equations?)

DAMN EMBEDDED PICTURE WON'T ALWAYS SHOW UP. SEE IT HERE.

It won't be long now before Notorious, Stos, the mystery person and I storm the beaches a Greece. I don't really know what to say about this because I don't really know what the trip will entail, though with Notorious there, we're almost guaranteed to find ourselves in an alcohol-fueled Fight-or-Flight scenario with some A-holes from a UN-friendly country.


I think Mr. T should have used the phrase "drag you down Ass Kick Ave." In this Snickers commercial but whatev, it's still cool.

why does the internet distract so?

If this video doesn't seriously disturb you, then you are one of them



The internet tells me I'm
superficial. (source: Scotter) Fuck you the internet. Entertain me! I command it:



(you don't finish!)

the goings on

I've been reading this magazine online called Nerve. What originally caught my internet-groping eyes was a semi-regularly published feature called I DID IT FOR SCIENCE, which as most of you know if my justification for all the illegal, immoral and irrelevant things I've done in my life, not to mention some of the legitimate stuff. It certainly won't be for all of you but articles about (allegedly) normal people trying things like female ejaculation and a Devil's Threesome are what I call good reading.

There's also a pretty intriguing selection of personal essays that goes back a good 10 years.

Found at Nerve.com

Speaking of science, I figured on a boring Friday night there was only one place to go if i wanted to see some totally slay-able book nerds: The Harry P. book drop party. Homeboy Goddard was in the market for a book and I was in the market to nerd watch. We both left disappointed.


the scene. We estimated 2000 cars in the lot.


Our hero (not me) waits in line next to middle school brigade.


This ticket turned out to be worth jack


I was disappointed no one peed when these appeared.

In completely unrelated news, imagine a weapon you could drop over a field of say, 50 or so hard mobile military targets, like a cluster of tanks and armored personal carriers. Now imagine this one 1000 pound bomb could seek out and kill all of those tanks and what-nots at the same time in one flurry of explosion-ness... Turns out we had it all along and even used it a couple time against the browner peoples. (that thing is scary)



("i'm trying to go blacker")

monkey

found at my new favorite site.

(this is boss

Ultra

Stos rides again

(sounds like a lot of work to me...)

a lot of things are like that

dang

Axe Man

Axe Man came yesterday to take the heads of 10% (25) of my co-workers. All employee meeting was called for 2pm and by 3pm I was watching folks do the unemployment shuffle out the front door.

I don't fear the Axe Man because I have a air-tight plan to take the severance pay (rumor was two weeks, which might as well be zero weeks) and invest it in the lucrative lottery ticket market. They say the Axe Man will be back today to finish his work.

I'll see you in hell Axe Man.

"there was blood everywhere"

Quick! Name three guys you wouldn't want to get punched by!

...

How about an Ex-marine, a boxer and an iron worker? (their hands are like steal dipped in hate)

Okay, now roll them into one guy and see wat happens when you try to take his money


perhaps Big Foot just needs some hugs.

Rich Fucking Fuckers and the Shit they Fuck

Subtitle: life as a disappointment

At some point, likely during the college/post high school years, we all learn that most of those really sweet ideas that like, no one has ever though of before and/or had the moxy to carry out, are in the end, actually very bad ideas. These typically fall into a "do-it yourself," "huge money/time saver" or perhaps "engineering and building of unique and creative... thing" ideas. Examples might include buying something large like a car and splitting it down the middle with another person, buying a cheap, broke down fiat in the hopes of restoring it to awesomeness, maybe driving an absurd distance for a party that's gonna have "a million chicks" or perhaps living in a house with 200 roommates. The point is, after enough let downs, you just start to expect a certain percentage of failure and thus embark on less of these undertakings

I know this is true because I've seen the transition in myself and others, and yes its sad.

The point is, when did everything else turn into such a let down? When did having an apartment close to work turn into outrageous bills and friends were too far away to visit? And when did having a cool car become a slew of mechanical issues, parking lot accidents and police officers tapping on your window? And why the fuck is it so hard to ride my bike to work?

Society's refusal to allow bike riding is the last straw. It requires I pack a change of clothes because the man wants me to dress like a monkey. In fact, the "Green" company i work for doesn't even have a bike rack, nor will it let me leave the bike in the cubical. Of course there's few to no sidewalks out here in Xurbia where the rich people live. And when there are, mindless fucks in luxury SUVs keep trying to run me over because they have no clue what a pedestrian is or how right-of-way works. Then there's the un-accountables... like the old guy that yelled at me as he drove by and while I waiting for the light to change. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying but i sensed a perception of distaste for bikers. And the fucks that when driving down the road, enjoying their new ICP album, have the presence of mind when they see a commuter to immediately honk there horn and yell something out the window. Do you realize what it takes to react that fast?

I'm serious: people here are pissed when they see someone on a bike

here's somethign to think about

Too Close Onion. Too Close.

Is it ironic that the Superman ride took the legs of a child... considering that the super man himself was chair-bound?

watch yourself out there boys and girls.




Too close Onion. Too close.



this guy made his car to run on vegetable-jiz. The government rewarded his efforts by fining the shit of him. I cried a little.

It could be worse- You could have amnesia so bad that you can't remember more than a few seconds. Later, you'll try to keep a journal to track your life, but it will simply become a long list of the same sentences:

"I have awakened for the first time"
"this is the true awakening"
"I have awakened for the first time"

Apparently this can last for twenty years.

(don't taser gas-covered men)

Sorry- i didn't mean to make this so bleak...

I'm in your noun verbing your noun

First a reflection:



(i love that he edited out the part where Adrian shows up- in order to get back to the monster 8 minute sports-training-montage.)

Today I made time to stop by the Lifetime Fitness Center that is literally 200 yards from the back door of my apartment. See, i do most of my training in the street, running and biking and knifing, but i feel like my upper body is getting flabby and i miss the sensation of lifting heavy things. (insert mom-joke here). While i was looking for a place that would have a weight set and a pull-up bar, turns out Lifetime is packaged as a "lifestyle." The big box mart of gyms, if you will. This is what the parking lot looked like after work:



I approached the desk and naively sought for some membership rates. They presented a page long waiver assuming I would release things like my address, phone number, email address, license number, work number... the best/worst part was the confusion on their high school faces when I asked why they would need this information: It was so obvious- why couldn't I understand?

"Because that's what they ask for."

"What a fool i was."

Mel, in her airy, spring dress gave me a tour of the facility. (Seems "i just want some rates, I'm kind of in a hurry" fell on death ears) I swear to the imac they had 100 treadmills if they had 1. It was hard to explain to Mel that my last gym membership was at a community rec center and i spend most of my time on the street. I'm used to paying $70/year and her proposed $200 membership fee would have been unreasonable even without the $60 monthly fee i was still looking at. Sure the classes are free and yes the locker rooms are supplied with soap, shampoo and towels and of course there were more hot chicks than a Sophist-takes-his-pants-off-convention, but dammit... you all saw that video above and i saw a motherfucker on a stationary bike with a laptop hooked up to him and that shit is just not right.

This was my bounty:



Sure I could survive there, block out the bullshit and go out of my way to lift things that obviously weren't weights like bulimic blonds, benches and the expresso machine in the attached cafe. But i'd still be paying a thousand fucking dollars a year for a gym membership. And then I'd have to kick my own ass.

(maybe next year I'LL have a solstice parade)

i see red

linky-dinky

i have not the energy to comment on these, so I'll break it down quick:

this seems unfair when you measure it against this guy's scant 45 years.

I bet this guy never thought they'd come back. But they did. (and won)

these guys will save us. Or kill us. Either way it will be wireless.

(read these but start from the beginning)

"are ninjas supposed to have super strength?"
"He's also a doctor!"

started out so strong

to understand what the deuce I'm talking about, you should first read (or skim-through-like-in-college) this article about hydrogen. I've actually passed by this story once under some conspiracy title like "DOE stonewalls new hydrogen production process" or something of the like, but then Jon dropped it on me again and I took a more serious look. After so many of these articles I've become a big fat cynic which makes me look for the obvious faults. I spare the details but it's actually a pretty sound idea with just a few question marks. Turns out gallium is quite expensive even for the low quality stuff they call out in the article. And even though aluminum oxide makes a fine aluminum... the energy required...

ah, whatever. I'm too tired for this all this.

Don't be selfish

Go Team Venture

Even though it hurts me to fill the gas tank these days, it makes me happy to know those fools driving monster trucks to work every day are feeling equal pain. And on top of it are angry and confused by the whole situation like a monkey with a banana glued to the back of his head. Yes, I enjoy their confused anger.





Other than that, we have proved once again that Chestocrates and I (as well as previously proven Notorious and I) could never live in the same city, for we would find ourselves dead. Then we watched 28 Weeks Later... and i was disturbed.

I hope we get past this.

Also, this is crazy. Not "i never thought of that before" crazy. But crazy.

(did i really just see that?)

the bubble of absurdity continues to expand outward in every direction.

blue punches red. red too angry to care.

this is a balls move (even though I'm not even sure what "balls move" means.) Either way, the best place for a hybrid is in stop & go, idle-tastic traffic. this dude would agree.

Sadly, I'm torn, since his state has been mandating cars which no matter how you describe them, cannot be termed with "balls moves." I loves me some GTO.

it's all i know

spring weather is all i can think to blame on my unusual number of post dealing with, well, the ladies.

The fiat is pretty dirty.

(and so am i)

Now boarding all buses

Next stop: Bizzar-O world

(the snozberry's taste like snozberry)

In repsonse to my previous post...

i present Arnold's repsonse

Decency is pretty much out the window anyway...

(I feel so very... sneezy)

In case you were wondering

Toyota is NOT fucking around when it comes to hybrids. (so much for the passing fad-theory. should prove well for my sense of accomplishment and sense of wallet)

Likewise, I'd even more prefer to work on something like this highly unlikely and fully toted Fuel cell car. I'll pee a little if it actually drops in '08.

High school: not like that

I will be going to hell later. That's fine.

Action Packed

This is a hot song. I will find it one way or the other.



My trip to the south last week was interesting- Proof again that the human body has an amazing ability to function with out sleep. Moments after turning it on, my uber-expensive camera stopped functioning. This likely had something to do with the oil wrestling party i attended the weekend previous, though I can't be sure (insert vague references to topless wrestlers, broken noses, simulated acts of lesbian affection an good old fashioned BBQ) Life can't be all work.

So i had to fall back on the old camera phone. (The old camera phone stopped functioning as a phone several days later... I blame Key West)

Since it was the company's dime, I stayed in a lot of hotels that looked like this:


Miami seemed to be under massive construction. I swear there dozens of building going up simultaneously.


Most of Key West looked liked this: We spent the day driving the hybrid in circles.


Four rednecks that didn't speak queen's english tried to start a rumble with me and my co-worker by throwing french fried at us in this joint that sold the same things White Castle sells, but with different packaging.


We didn't pummel the local-yocals because we were there to support the Germans. I can't fully explain how much I learned that week, but it was pretty incredible to spend so many hours in a car learning about Germania. At one point, our SUV had 4 engineers, (1 driver, 3 computer jockeys) and I imagined a horrible roll-over accident that would render us all dead. Headlines: 4 nerds dead

One German was disappointed that the fans at a Tigers game weren't nearly as rowdy as his typical hometown soccer crowd. After much discussion, we decided the reason things are so lame in the U.S. is because away fans have to travel so far to support their local regional sports team, that any event will be dominated by the home team's fans. In Germania it's always a ~50/50 mix meaning you're not so much cheering for your team, as you are cheering AGAINST those bastards on the other side. This dialog makes sense in my mind.



We also spent a few nights at the bar with the Germans where i managed to pick up a few sayings. For one, as the saying goes, "while toasting, always your the person you're toasting in the eye or it's seven years bad sex." Seems logical. Another one that came out at the end of the night didn't translate as smoothly... apparently, "just one more beer is like zero more beers." Also, it would seem that free health care leads to a lot of loafers that refuse to get a job. (did i mention that moments after realizing we were 4-geeks in million dollar proto-type car that had more instrumentation than you can shake a stick at, the hood of the broke-ass honda in front of us flew up and snapped off, sailing 40 feet in the air and landing just meters from our faces? that was crazy) Oh, and i also heard a terribly lame penis joke that was only funny because it required the use of metric units. I'll only tell it in person and when drunk.

Finally, it might have something to do with the company these guys worked for, but they all considered Ferrari's to be really expensive Fiats. I took it as a massive compliment.

I apologize for the lack of wit and formatting. I had a lot of material i wanted to get down (more for myself than fr you slackers) as well as plenty of other self-expression literary works I'm trying to form in my mind... and too much material rolling around up there will make me fall down stairs.

What is all movie posters were made in the style of GrindHouse?





Finally, I'm sad to say I'm been damn too busy to send out a DVD full of BSG. My apologies.

Update:

For those who were wondering, I now have a functioning phone

on running

I was disappointed that i didn't get a chance to jog around Key West. The problem of course was, even had I more time and were not exhausted from lack of sleep, I neglected to pack sneakers. (you win again, brain) I don't understand why I run. I do not compete and never did, yet forever there is that burn to go farther and faster. I tried to run yesterday, but after my week long road trip- essentially a full-week diet of refined sugars and empty carbohydrates known as fast food, my body revolted and put down the idea. Last week it was different. Last week it looked something like this:

Mile zero:
My best runs often start out the most painful. Joints and muscles are sore and tight, likely from some combination of last night's drinking and the week's various other work-outs. If I'm feeling overly spry I'll push too hard early and it will turn into a shorter, speed building workout. I'm going to need some mindless power music like AC/DC's "Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution" or Jay Z, "Justify My Thug."

Mile two:
{cough}{cough}{phlem}{spit} This is where i start to shake of the stiffness and find a rhythm; Breathing has slowed. For me distance runs are spun by stacking together as many 10-minute miles as possible, while speed runs are typically half the distance and should combine to approximately 8-minute miles averaged between periods of sprinting and trotting. I have to keep in mind that "Rochester Hills" is NOT just a clever name and 5 - 10% grades are as common as self-conscious teenagers cruising town in Daddy's Escalade and there are almost no truly flat spots. Lora Branigan's "Self Control" with White Rose Movement's "Love is a Number" on deck

Mile Four:
Side step the pavement for the rutty, lumpy, root-filled grass. Ankles that don't roll or sprain will become stronger. I find myself in a series of peaks and valleys, hitting the wall and finding a wind. I feel strong now and want to run faster but need to smooth out the sinusoidal: slower now, faster later. A feeling of invincibility needs a soundtrack: Animotion, "Obsession," Pantera "I'm Broken."

Mile six
I'm not overly familiar with the area I'm running through but the first path turned out to be about 5.5 miles, onto which I built in small increments. I don't know it yet, but the deviation in path I've taken today will put me back at my apartment in about 8.9 miles, which will be a new high this season. {nod to the hot chick on roller blades, direct her back to the early 90's} It turns out that the most painful run is not the one that eclipses all previous, but instead the one where you try to match for the first time, that personal best which has already been achieved. I'm not sure why, but it seems to make sense. This is like the calm before the storm. Covenant, "Like Tears in the Rain."

Mile eight
Here comes the pain. I may be reduced to a trot by the time i get to the top of the hill by the nature reserve. Walking is like surrendering, which means I'll try to slow-trot three miles before being reduced to walking 3 steps. (this does not always work). Over the course I'll have descended a sum of ~1000feet which will have to be ascended again. There may be a lot of grunting involved. Occasionally I'll lift my head to find I'm precariously close to a deer or raccoon or something of the sort. I'll need a psychological boost from the likes of Alan Silvestri's "Delta Force Theme," Joe Eposito's "You're the Best" (Karate Kid S.T.) and

Home stretch
I would be able to see my back door from here, were it not obscured by two big ass hills. {Off with the shirt: 4 parts aid in evaporation/1 part show off the goods} Every time I'll try to sprint this distance but almost always fade away on the second climb. If I've eaten well that week and I've kept up on the training and I took my vitamins and I said my prayers I can dig in and get it done: to the top of the hill, under the trees, over the lawn and across the apartment parking lot to my back door. "Training Montage" Song from the Rocky IV soundtack.

K'S Choice: Not an Addict

Pull of the i-pod and walk in circles to cool down. The silence of the world combined with the ringing in my ears (likely caused by the sudden jump in blood pressure) is deafening. I must eat and then rest, for there is much to be done if I'm to achieve 10 miles next week... though I'm not exactly sure why.

live from Key West

I've been awake for 22 hours



updates eventually

I will bite your torso

This is good I thought. But a lot of people are still pissed. And their's some mercury involved. (Hurray for the gray area of life) Perhaps the others think politician's time could be better spent.

Cash-Money, though?

In unrelated news, though the movie itself wasn't all that, I HIGHLY recommend the soundtrack to the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie.


Artist: Mastodon Lyrics
Song: Cut You Up With A Linoleum Knife Lyrics
Genre: Death Metal

Don't talk, watch!
Don't talk, watch!
You came here. Watch it.
Don't like it? Walk out.
We still have all your ****ing money.

Do not nudge, kick or jiggle the seat in front of you.
I'm sitting there!
I am everywhere at once
and I will cut you up.

If you make out here,
I will cut your lips and tongue
from your head
with a linoleum knife.

Do not explain the plot.
If you don't understand, then you should not be here.
Your money is our money
and we will spend it on drugs.

Do not crinkle your food wrappers loudly.
Be considerate to others,
or I will bite your torso
and give you a disease.

Did you bring your baby?
Babies don't watch this.
Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets.
Run over it after the show.

If I see you videotaping this movie,
Satan will rain down your throat with hot acid
and dissolve your testicles
and turn your guts into snakes.

This is copyrighted movie for Time Warner.
If I find that you've sold it on eBay,
I will break into your house
and tear your wife in half.

At least it's warm now

Apparently, not since we had to bail their sorry asses out of Double-you Double-you Two, have we as a people been more disappointed with the performance of the British Armed Forces.

Also, it's become obvious that since it's unethical to test execution drugs (you know... with science) they're not exactly working (you know... all the time)

Left hand: allow me to introduce you to Right hand.

Now who wants to be my friend?

I find that duck's opinions of me is very much based on whether or not i have bread

I have added the Cespool to my link bar. It features articles such as "Physcological Color Profile" and "Everybody loves a Whore."

Enjoy

You can't stop the signal

It's Fiat driving season and I'm a Fiat-Driving man.

beating the drum

It seems in Virginia there was a whole classroom of students that laid down and waited patiently while some dude walked up and down the desk-rows executing mutherfuckers. It says so here. This makes me feel ways about things.

In un-related news, (thanks to Jon's willingness to show me the way), I've been preaching the power and unstoppable coolness of Google's free online utilities. Google pedometer may have actually been developed by someone else, but it builds off the ultra-awesome Google maps. I love it. (Works for bike routes also. Of course, these aren't my real routes because then you could memorize and predict my patterns, thus making a clean and inexplicable assassination easier.)

by discovering and sharing this particular Google technology, i am convinced Lois Lane is not simply trying to steal my medication. Good for her.

Can i have 4 beers?

Seuth-sayers have been predicting peak oil dates since the 50's, so here we are again.

Think of it this way: Everything will be fine so long as such scientists are wrong every time.


{insert working class hero by john lennon}


Will Ferrell - The Landlord - Funny As Hell - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

as i watch Adult Swim

I think there's a new tattoo in my future this summer.

The internet is full of ideas. I'm trying to decide between tipping my hand or revealing the inner me

Also, the Fiat is back on the road, logging over 30 trouble-free (though "witch's-titty-cold") miles today.

Finally, I think there might be a connection between this story about mate selection and this one about diseases that make your naughty bits fall off.

(look who's back)

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"

Greatest novelist: DOA

(i haven't felt like this since Douglas Adams died a week after shaking my hand)

Great auto-man knows the score.

(Detroit is on the brink of imploding... Surviving the riotous 60's and gang-ridden 80's. Much like our a for mentioned author friend mused, suicide might have been better than rotting away in our own decay.)

CHEERS!

circle jerk

Let's get this straight. Katie Couric fired the guy who writes her blog, for stealing content from the Wall St. Journal.

I'll repeat that.

Katie has people who produce her "blog," likely born of an attempt to humanize and "make hip with the kids" a women who is essentially a face-puppet but with creepier eyes. Those people steal that data from other sources. Then they get fired.

If you can't find 3 things wrong with this, kill yourself.

For the fellas...

(and the cool chicks, too)

bendy

Those who have lived with me will likely noticed that i strive to minimize the "junk" i have, and I'm always looking for ways to minimize my possessions (other than cars and tools). For some reason, this crazy, folding fork has survived several cleanings of the counter top, leaving it again and again the sole "counter-top" survivor.



I remember it so clearly- It came with a package of instant Tai- not the add water box, but the vacuum sealed, already boiled noodles. The only way to fit a utensil in the small, tradition carry-out-shaped box was to make it a folding utensil, complete with locking mechanism to ensure it would stay folded or opened.



I've had this thing for the better part of 6 months and it even got packaged and moved over to the new apartment. I can't let it go because even though I'm still debating whether I *really* need a bed or not, dammit, i'll never know when I need to conceal a fork in my deepest and most secret places.



I think this could easily be described as low-level OCD, which taken with my other habits, paint a telling picture.



Now I will begin the work of figuring out how to incorporate this engineering marvel with my patented disappearing cigarette/match/napkin trick.