through the hills, even

On this date in history, 2007: Sophist runs 10 consecutive sub-10-minute miles; declares entire world "chump."

college is hard

I've finally found a religion i can get behind. (some mutherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill)

Currently the mac is transferring 50 gig of music from it's native hard drive to the external drive, for as with all mac devices, it runs slower than a arthritic three-legged dog when operating without any free space.

Also, this guy is dead. "I didn't even know his last name."

Finally, now that I'm back in college (your mom says hi. from college. where she goes) It means I'm back in supply of highly entertaining campus watch newsletters.

Enjoy.

Between August 29, 2007 and September 12, 2007 one incident of 'Robbery Not Armed' and two incidents of 'Attempted Robbery Not Armed' have been reported on public streets in close proximity to campus. The incidents have some similarities and are summarized as follows:


Incident #1: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:15am
W. Kirby, between Cass and Woodward

A 25 year old female student reports she was putting money in a parking
meter when she felt a "tug" on her purse. She turned and noticed the
below described subject pulling on the purse. The subject punched the
student in the head, knocking her down. He got control of the purse and
fled on a bike, riding east on Kirby and north into the Historical
Museum parking lot, from there unknown. The student had minor
injuries.

Description: Black male, 18-25 years, 6'2" tall, no facial hair, medium
complexion, yellow baggy sweat shirt, dark pants, last seen
riding a 10 speed bike.


Incident #2: Monday, September 10, 2007 1:15pm
W. Warren at North Lodge Service Drive

A 26 year old female student reports she was sitting on the grass
waiting for her ride. There, she was approached by the below described
subject who exposed himself and then tried to snatch the students purse
from her shoulder. The subject was not successful and he fled across
Warren to the shopping plaza parking lot. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 40's, black plain tee shirt, black shorts, no
facial hair, described as being "clean" and not a homeless type.

Incident #3: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 8:00pm
W. Kirby between Cass and Woodward

A 20 year old male student reports he was walking on the sidewalk when
and unknown male grabbed his backpack from behind. The student turned
around and the subject punched him in the mouth. The victim punched the
perpetrator in the face, knocking him to the ground. The student then
fled on foot. The perpetrator obtained nothing and was last seen
laying on the ground. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 25-40 years of age, full beard, wearing a
black baseball hat facing forward, a grey hoodie with black
lettering, dark pants.

PREVENTION TIPS:

To reduce your chances of becoming a robbery victim, we recommend you routinely walk in areas where you can see others and others can see you.
Robbery perpetrators, like any other criminal, don't want to be caught "in the act" of robbing someone. They prefer areas where neither potential victims or witnesses will see them. By staying in populated areas, you increase your chances of never being selected for this type of crime.
Whether you are in the city or the suburbs and you find yourself confronted by a robber, the most important thing that you can do during the incident is to prevent, if possible, any violence. Always assume the robber is armed, even if you can’t see a weapon, and act accordingly. If you are the victim of a robbery, consider these important tips:

• Get it over with quickly. Chances are if you stall, the robber will get
nervous and may be more prone to violence.

• Nothing you have or own is worth getting hurt for. Valuables can be
replaced, you can not.

• Do what the robber asks, but do not volunteer to do anything more. Move
quickly, but carefully to give the robber exactly what they want.

• Do not fight or try any impulsive heroics. The risks are high if the
robber is armed.

• Do not volunteer to go anywhere with the robber or allow them to take
you anywhere. The odds are heavily against you if you allow them to
take you to a secondary crime scene where they have more privacy and
more control over you.

• Do not chase the robber. Carefully note their physical description and
the direction they flee in. If they have a vehicle, note it's type,
color and license plate if possible.

• If you have the opportunity to flee, do so immediately. The robber
wants your property most of all. Drop it or throw in one direction,
then run in the opposite direction, to any area where there may be
other people around.

ouch. my soul.

Radical. Mostly.

Run. Class. Run. Class. Run.

This story would be better if it weren't in Esquire. I don't think this would work in real life but very much love the idea. (even if the author is a tool) I can say i think I'm about as honest as is socially possible, but eventually the return on self satisfaction is eclipsed by the explosion of anger. But I'll say, the idea is pretty appealing.


I'm not gonna lie. College was FUCKED up

(and those are cross-dressers)

Ironman Is Here

Speaking of arms dealers.... life's all about good marketing.


Tales Of Brave Ulysses
By eric clapton and martin sharp
(compliments of Shad from work)

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.


I really love XKCD



this is exactly how I feel about zombies

well fuck me

I will officially consider this my moment of fame. Turns out if you search the google for "Don't talk watch I will bite your torso" (athf ref.) the Sophist Webpage is first on the list.

As well, "athf+movie+lyrics+knife+face" will find me in the top 10, "bite your torso" with "give you a disease" puts me at number 2 and '"i will bite" lyrics' puts me in at lucky number 3.

If cutting isn't your thing, you can also find the Sophist's home in results 161 to 170 if you're searching for "what's hulk hogan's cell phone number . com" and finally, what's the only web result you can find when prodding the tubes for info about "Ace Hardbody?" You guessed it...

I will now sit back and wait for the sluts to roll in. (all the way to the bank)

fragments

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First day of fall grad class. Grad school, I've discovered is like a wrapped present, and on the first day you discover at level of insanity your prof is and to what degree of absurdness the course will be taught.

******************

Speaking of Alt. Energy, not all ideas are Good ideas.

******************

This piece of news is just another bullet in the corpse of privacy.

******************

accelerated marathon training is destroying me.

******************

Can no one appreciate my desire to nail a hot, drunk chick wearing a Megatron mask in the butt?

******************

Detroit Awesome-O radio quote of the day:
"Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke"

******************

Annual House of the Struggle Halloween party is in full effect this year. All efforts will be made to blow. you. away. Be There! BE THERE! IF YOUR NOT THERE YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL.... IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, BREAK OUT! (10.27.07)

******************



I will now leave you in the hands of beauty: (compliments of H)

My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey July 2, 2007

Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing he does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowed them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.)

Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”

The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”

Show monkey wandering around, injured, lost and alone. Make him trip, using fishing line attached to his leg. (Try to get this on first take, because after that monkey will probably try to bite off fishing line.)

Show giraffe being chased by a lion. If not too expensive, use full-sized, realistic robotic lion, able to run at full speed. Otherwise get a man in a lion suit.

The oppressive sun beats down on monkey (heat lamp). Monkey looks up with an expression that says, “Why, oh sun, do you torment me so?” (Get good director.)

We see lion eating a giraffe. At first, we think it is our giraffe, but then we are relieved to see it is a baby giraffe.

Rock slide covers monkey (fake monkey). Show monkey crawling out (real monkey with a few heavy rocks laid on top of him).

Narrator: “Can the monkey and the giraffe survive? Will they ever be reunited?”

Show monkey trying to join group of monkeys (real monkeys or children in monkey suits, whichever is cheaper). Our monkey is driven away by the leader of the monkey pack, a vicious, snarling brute (papier-mâché marionette). Subtitle translates snarls as “You thought you were so great when you were riding on that giraffe’s neck, but you aren’t so high and mighty now.”

Show giraffe, alone in the darkness, shivering from fear (ice packs on legs). Finally, he falls asleep (sleeping pills?). We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully approaches a gravestone. At first, he can’t make out the name on it, but when he finally does he is shocked. The name on the gravestone reads, “The Monkey.” The giraffe wakes up in a cold sweat (heat lamp).

Show two female explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, nearby are two explorers, Laci and Brandy.” Show the explorers swimming for quite a while. Then show them getting dressed and leaving. We notice they have left behind a pair of binoculars.

The monkey is starving now. We know this because when he looks at a parrot on a branch it turns into a roasted, steaming parrot on a branch.

Narrator: “The monkey is now at the end of his rope. So he puts his faith in the Almighty.” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s hands together.) Show monkey walking along later. (Be sure to unglue hands first.) He sees a glowing treasure chest and opens it—it’s filled with bananas. (Have choir singing in background, so you know it’s from God.)

Refreshed and healed by that good banana nutrition, the monkey heads off. For comic relief, show monkey approaching a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey will not approach skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he will relax and go up to skunk. However, do not let him drink too much or he may kill skunk.

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focusses on, yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Just then, the giraffe is shot by a tranquillizer dart. We show the shooters, two trappers from a zoo. We know they are evil because we saw a part earlier where they were shooting each other with tranquillizer darts, to get high.

Cut to a truck travelling across the savanna. In a cage in the back is the giraffe, looking sad (half a sleeping pill). But then we reveal that it’s not the two trappers driving the truck but the monkey! (Note: Use cheap truck, because monkey will probably wreck it.)

Show the two trappers sitting on the ground, tied up. No need to show how the monkey captured them; just have one of the trappers say, “That damn monkey!”

Show monkey releasing giraffe from cage and monkey leaping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: Monkey may not do this, so put monkey on giraffe’s neck and jerk back with harness; then show film in reverse.)

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited at last, as nature intended.” Show giraffe trying in vain to reach a piece of fruit high on a tree branch. The monkey clambers up on top of giraffe’s head and picks the fruit, but then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe something to induce choking, then dub in laughing sounds.)

Show the two female explorers returning to the lagoon, looking for the binoculars. They can’t find them, so they just decide to go swimming again.

Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sunset. Question: Would it be too much to show monkey wearing a little cowboy hat? Cute, but maybe hurts reality of the documentary. ♦



I guess this is close enough.

(Yeah, my blog has nudity when the joke necessitates as well as superfluous references to butt sex when it doesn't.)