way too much for one day

Chestocrates is posting internet videos and Notorious is in the face book. I will continue my silent and archaic protest against social networking sites and yet somehow manage to convince myself I'm better by sticking to Blogger and Linked-In.

(lalalalalalala I can't hear you)

Then again, change is inevitable and even old military rivals can mend fences. To that point, i've spent 3 of my last 4 weeks in Ohio and almost no one mentions the old wars days.

(Though it did come up once when i was beating those guys at billiards)






-----------Society-----------

--It's pretty simple: Take the traditional wisdom and tell everyone the opposite. It's Orwellian, Bush-esq and why shouldn't it work now?


--i will admit, it's a nice take down... but for riding a bike?




--I have a Man-crush on Zach Braff after watching Garden State last night and learning of his role in the whole thing. Hey J.D.: wanna hang out later? We could ride motorcycles? (Am i the only one that made the connection of Zach Braff roles and odd motorcycles?)


----------Science----------

--Speaking of the Olympics (of which we no longer do, because i decided not to post that video), I caught the opening ceremony (at least 1 of it's 27 hours) at the local Sushi hole. Anyone who knows about my side projects knows they typically involve LEDs and Batteries. Well I've been using some Chinese sources for these parts and now i see why: they've got them all. Billions of LEDs. The whole fucking stadium and everyone in it was covered in them. (of course, seeing an army of LED suits also proves that they're still stealing other technologies and making them better, those bastards)


--Here is a video that will make you smrt. Unfortunately fuel cells will never be the next combustion engine. They won't be found in every car on the planet and they're prohibitively costly, complex and delicate. Or at least i think i think this now.

In related news, I have to admit that Bill O'rielly isn't as biased as the liberal media leads me to believe. Nas DOES NOT AGREE.


--Who would think this is a good idea?. (Sigh... have I become one of the crazies with the foil hat?)


------------other------------

A year ago this time i was living on a small Grecian island off the coast of Turkey.

On one particular day, about a year and a week ago, were walking and came to the base of the small mountain behind the village. We decided we needed to be at the top ASAP, probably because there was no trail and this was a good way to work the previous day's alcohol out of our systems. First we walked and then we climbed. Later there was a road and some old Italian military buildings. The goal was simple and the reward at the top unexpected: an ice cream shop and puppies... (The possibility was briefly considered that we had died en route)



The beginning:



The road was not easy:




But mountain men are born, not made:







We look back to check out progress:



And stop for science:



At the top, there is an oasis with ice cream and puppies and we great the puppies:



The puppies attack:



We use sticks and ice cream to beat the puppies back:



The puppies win and we are enslaved by their fuzziness:





There's a summer storm outside and i want to go check it out

Ladder Redux

In the before time, Notorious introduced us to Ladder theory. I admit, i didn't pay it much attention the first time, but now that I've been brought back to the theory, reintroduced to Notorious' love for this science, and had several car-ride hours to ponder it's validity, I've decided to revisit the concept: I should have realized why it never took hold.


(to make my arguments more believable, please site my stolen internet pictures)

I'm pretty sure Ladder Theory is mostly bunk. It's like saying you need to head north but to what destination... I'm not sure. In fact, I'm not even sure what purpose it is trying to serve because It provides no answers!

--I guess we're meant to realize that people rate potential mates and rank them accordingly... Fair enough. But then what? Why do these rankings have to suffer a First-In-First-Out linear existence? (more on this in a moment)

--Why would women get two ladders? It seems arbitrary... why not one that is connected or an infinite number that vary in weight and severity?

--How the hell do you use it? Just because I know F=MA, how will i know that shaving 100lbs out of the Fiat will make it go faster? How can I determine where those 100lbs can be lost?

--Lastly, Ladder theory provides a false sense of understanding that will more than likely undermined your goals. Man or woman, armed with this new tool, you've either convinced yourself you're stuck on the un-bang-able rung and abandoned all hope or placed yourself squarely on the ready-to-rock bang-tastic position before carrying out the degree of execution such a scenario would require. Either way you've stacked the cards against yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this buzz is wearing off and using ladder theory for anything other than drunken debate is like giving a monkey Newton's second law of motion and expecting him/her to pilot a successful space program. Perhaps as a simple law i could buy in but the point that is conveniently skirted is the random nature of human interaction. It's impossible to predict the varying conditions that might alter a person's reaction to another. Booze, drugs, funny t-shirts, history, love, marriage, obligation, head injury, chemical imbalance, gravitational pull, solar flares and magnet influences are in constant flux and simply identifying a universal constant such as "we rate" will not get the variables out of the denominator.

Of course if we concede that ladder theory is analogous to Newton's which-ever law of motion then one might be looking for the text equivalent of, say, Applied Newtonian Physics. I'd suggest it lies somewhere between Niel Strauss' "The Game" and/or "How to Pick Up Trashy Women," which incidentally exists only in a 1985 John Cusack flick; I'll let you all decide which is most applicable.

What's my point?

1) Math is to physics as masturbation is to sex
2) In the hierarchy of life, there's always a customer whose drinkers you're supposed to buy and a supplier who is willing to buy your drinks
3) I'm just a guy in an Ohio motel room with free internet and too much 5 hour energy



By denying you comments i am ensuring all of your opinions are wrong, especially if you agree with me.

hot fun in the summertime

Ive have been spending and will continue to spend many days in Ohio. It's where the things the pay me to dream up are built. By monkeys. Organized monkeys. But still monkeys. Turns out Dayton is a decent enough place. But some of the outlying communities is real backwards. Real backwards.



On patriotic running:

I was running last weekend. I was destined for failure; It was stupid hot that day and i was out under the sun's peak. Also, i was under-hydrated and think i skipped the last night's dinner. I set out on a 4 mile square but the first quarter is down hill and I burned way too bright to make it the rest of the way. Things looked bleak. As i rounded the first corner, i noticed an old man on the same general path but he had deviated an extra distance that carried him past a veteran's memorial. I wasn't paying particular attention but i knew he was wearing a hat, was over dressed for the weather and had to be old as dirt. As i was passing, i saw movement from over there- his hand going up, and then again as he passed the second flag, which he was obviously saluting. I gave him the nod and rounded that bend to started up the first incline. I didn't have any problem staying motivated after that. Knowing that old bastard was back there and any surrender would require me to turn around and go back past him, defeated, was unacceptable. His generation wins this one.

While running I passed the local swimming commune. Thinking of joining? I was. Of course, you'll have to pay the fees... Fucking rich people. (you'd think for over a grand a year plus deposit to use the fucking pool, it wouldn't be hard to get in. YOU'D BE WRONG!)

Fucking fuckers. They tell me it's some kind of bullshit status thing to join this club. It's a fucking hole in the ground with water!



Then again, things are hard everywhere. I'll start my own club. Bastards.

your reponse?

touche

-----------------------------------------------------





-----------------------------------------------------

but when I became a man, I put away childish things

--Paul, Chapter 13, verse 11














Shoot, I don't listen to that kiddy crap anymore; I'm kickin' the adult jams now. See, check it. MC Pee Pants doesn't just want candy now, that's childish. He needs it. And when you need something that's a responsibility that only an adult (sees chocolate bunnies)..of my maturity.. Bunnies!
--Meatwad

I'm back bitches

It's not that the movie "The Mist" has a particularly surprising ending... (Though it does differ from the book) (That's right, i'm going to be one of those people that compares a movie to the book as a discrete yet effective way of letting you know i read it. Like a douchebag)

It's just so well executed

from work

I am now 10 days without cable or internet.

I've been building myself and other stuff to pass the time.

At first it hurt but now i'm convinced i will cancel my cable once the problem is fixed, and keep only the internet on tap.

I needs me some internet.

Shatner!

Shatner is at it again. Would i trade the rest of my years for the rest of his? hmm....

Lots of Cobasys in the news. Hard to miss in you live in Detroit.

Remember frisbee? It was a lot like this... but not exactly. (Frisbee!)

This happened to me last week

crotch-y

I'm pretty sure if there was a "how to" guide for making zombies, this would be step one.

Elsewhere, Jon points out that not EVERY Detroit after-hours party goes un-busted. Yes, it sucks when the gang-squad-esq anti-terrorist force ills your mellow. (Since when is loitering a car-impound-able offense?)

Finally, it turns out Meg Griffin is retarded hot, even when pumping gasoline.

Even more finally, i learned that AAA insurance will not insure what they refer to as "crotch rockets" no matter who you are. That seems odd to me. Like saying "we don't insure sports cars." How does one define such a hard to define class of vehicle? I'm pretty sure the word crotch doesn't appear on any vehicular title, anywhere. (Okay, maybe some Fiats, but that's only because i made that title myself with magazine clippings and gold star stickers)

the same but different

A while ago I was speculating wildly about start-up companies claiming they can make cars, having never done so before. The WSJ got in on the action. Here's there list. Fisker and Tesla are the only ones with the slightest chance.



I also talked a bunch of trash about gas prices. So have these guys but it's probably not worth reading.



Here's some stuff about robots but this guy is just painting a target on his back. (i think robots are becoming the new fetish of the indie-crowd that zombies seized a couple years back. It makes me feel dirty)

I recommend "Iron Man" and the HBO movie, "Recount." Unfortunately the former will make you constantly question the validity of their science and the latter will so the same, but differently.

Best of Luck to our comrade Notorious:

Save yourselves!

Do not watch the new Indiana Jones Movie. It is fucking pants-on-head retarded. The only purpose it serves it to occasionally remind us of movies from our childhood via lame and uncreative references to the previous movies. The plot is a fucking predictable joke but no one is laughing and the only time you will be surprised is when something so unthinkably insane happens that you're questioning whether you actually left the house this evening or if perhaps you just blacked out from fumes emanating off the cocktail of deadly cleaning agents you were employing to clean up last night's solo-circle-jerk, and this is all just an unimaginable hallucination.


It is not.

do not watch this movie.

I've got a lot of other topics i want to cover here but i'm too. fuck. tired. However, i could not allow this movie to be released on the world and not at least warn the others as soon as possible.

no proof.

or whatever

The Sophist Institute of Wizardry has been running some numbers. It goes like this:

1) By July $4/gal gas will seem like a dream so sweat we won't even know for sure if it ever happened. $5 easy. $6 in 16 months. Eventually the feds will step up and do something stupid to help rather than implement worth-while and long term solutions like public transportation or funding for impotent battery technology.

2) People become desperate for cheaper transportation. 12 year old electric cars (even with shit batteries) will continue to sky rocket in price. Other wares to invest in 6 months ago:

Permanent magnet DC motors
Electric bike motors and conversion kits
Rickshaw services
Electric car conversion kits
Gas Scooters
Used Honda Civics
LiFePo batteries
Bicycles

3) Pain ensues but we all survive (unless gas tops $6/gal- then i think we may all die.)

3) The market is finally flooded with decent quality, high MPG cars. Bikes and scooters and motorcycles are finally available in electric versions with batteries in decent supply at a realistic price. Supply and demand balances and everything is fine.

In related news, the sophist e-bike is back on the road after be sidelined by catastrophic metal fatigue. Now i can finally get that shopping list wrapped up.

Deathwedding!

Everyone needs to watch this.

For reals. It is totally worth it and stuff.





"It's fun to watch somebody go through family hell"

















okay, okay... I can't help but drop a hint. It involves strip clubs in Wisconsin.

yeah, I knoW!

F.I.A.T.

You'd be surprised how hard it is to post a link in craigslist to a webpage with the title "fornicating in a topless" and have a post contained "italian redhead," even if you are trying to sell a Fiat.

You will get flagged like a mutha-fucka

anyway, updates.

Green

Speaking of green, finally some noise on the wind front. They pretty much hit on the head:

-20% is the projected amount of unreliable wind/solar energy you can run a national power grid with. I've always heard 40%. Regardless, if we had some sort of energy storage system to smooth out those inconsistencies... some kind of battery of storage systems... yes.

-The grid is the current weakness. Think of it as the matrix, but more likely to fall on it's face.

-Distributed power is the ultimate hippie dream. Of course, hippie or not, it doesn't mean you can't disconnect and run your shit of the grid. I recommend it.


Then again, carbon emissions are often the least of our worries.

watch your popped collar

bro rape

insert vague reference to the following:

Been some pissing and moaning about lack up updates. Fair enough.

Been staying busy:

-Rode the motorbike for the first time around the lot and ordered me this helmet. Jay-Fry says I need fork seals and new tires. Chain needs a little help too but all that stuff should be pretty easy. Also, damn thing won't idle at zero choke but that might clear itself up when i get it on the open road

-Made my way to Stos' and repaired the Fiat (see image below). Turns out the engine ate the impeller blades on the water pump. I also replaced the radiator which amazingly even though it was stated as being a '79 part, it refused to fit into a '79 front end. Self tapping screws played a big roll in that opera.

Technically it's still for sale but now that it runs i may need to enlist it again. That is unless you got $3400 burning a hole?

-Some other stuff.

-Saw the movie Iron Man. (Get ready for mild spoilers) Overall I'd say it was very good. More science fiction than science fact, but i do not penalize it. Was doing a good job of blearing the lines between good and bad until the end when they inserted the absolutely evil guy who is absolutely evil for seemingly no good reason other than to fight Iron Man.

-Teaching myself how to use fiberglass matte to build stuff.

-Playing Urban Dead for 6 minutes a day.

-Wrap it all up with some humorous comment. Cant quite care to exert.

wh- what?

Captain Ron has nudity. Nipples. I just seens it with mine own eyes.

Then i confirmed it with the internets

for some reason this deeply unsettles me.

news day

One
two
three
four

Your assignment is to read the above links. Compare and contrast the underlying mechanisms with specific attention paid to social, cultural, institutional and religious burden.

Keep your papers to yourself. Everyone receives an A for showing up.

Surrounded by it

It's the topic at the dinner table; it payed for college.

Dad built roads, mom built cars.

The automotive monster is ever present every day.

a softer world

source

(Damn this robot soul)

link face

If i build a house it will look like this.

Finally, more definitive proof that robots are stealing the BEST FUCKING jobs and as i have said before, need exterminating.

go here. Read these. be amused.

Still

number one.

(at being AWESOME!)

(your face is)

I faught the law

..and the law won. But (as Stos says) i beat the spread.



This week I watched a state trooper take the stand in court and tell a direct lie. It was the culmination of both my justification to fight the system and a heavy-hearted view of reality of all rolled into: Simultaneously i was vindicated and beaten. But as a wise man once said in a quote that i made up for this story, "vindication in your own mind is like an erection at a sociology convention full of hot chicks; chances are no one is going to notice you."

Ah well, so concludes an absurd trip full of painful insights to the legal system.

There were several offers made (which is not unlike allowing someone to choose what type of gun they'll be shot in the face with) and I took one that precludes me from driving this spring.

(Fuck those fucks. Sure i could have rolled over 8 months ago and taken the easy way out but I'll pay tens times as much to keep them from getting a single dollar more for their corrupt fucking money machine. I just pity the poor mutherfucker can't afford to fight back because he's the one who is truly screwed.)

at least I'll have plenty of time to play Call of Duty 4 on the Playstation 3.

Play us out Bush:



(man fuck this shit yo, I'm going the fuck home)

risk management

Everyone has to live somewhere. Choose your poison.


(see more here)



choices, choices, manage the risk.


risk. manage. manage risk.

seems unlikely.

Have an Erection?

want it to go away?



(forever)

Dot you eye? Pentagon can. And will.

If only, James, if only.

This time (year)... WILL BE DIFFERENT!



Today all my dire predictions for the new year at the gym came true. There was a gaggle of high school floozies and it smelled like a damn perfume counter. I'm telling you this: my nostrils were burning with hate. One of them, the skinniest and skankiest of the flock had a shirt that read "Young, rich and beautiful." Considering Oakland County, these are likely all true statements. (demographic info- look it up). I considered explaining to her the theory that shirts with sayings are typically only considered funny when Ironic or sarcastic and in her case she it would clearly be better accepted if she mangled up her face a little, but then immediately assumed the effort would be futile. So i continued ripping myself to awesomeness.

seems about right

2008

as far as i can tell this simply means the gym will be packed with wankers for the next 4 weeks.

Almost time to reset the year

First something to clear the mind:



This video, I swear to the gods, this is what i see when i pass out drunk. It's beautiful.

Feeling insecure? this illustration will either hurt, help or have no effect, guaranteed.

Don't believe that new Mileage standards cannot be met easily and cheaply.

Chestocrates' latest commentary on the inability of the masses to stop making babies was spot on. I recommend it. Funny that at the same time myself and the other members of our ZARP (Zombie Attack Response Plan) were doing some recreational shooting out on the farm. Turns out a shotgun is an amazing tool.

I'm not sure if i should spread word of this (NSFW) product but here we go. Basically, it's a liquid that's meant to smell like a woman's nether region and is eye catching for two reason: One, is the video (can't link directly to it but it's relatively easy to find in their fairly minimalistic site) which is simply indescribable. Two, is the fact that i just acquired an Orange Juicer that has helped me realize how little juice one can extract from a single fruit. Think about it...

(actually, don't. You might die.)


So the world's fucked? I'm still happy.

love it

Sell out

To celebrate my first year of gainful employment, I sold out to electronic Novocaine in the form of a TV and PS3 and together they're shiny as hell. Expect a steep dive in blog performance.

And speaking of gaming, here's a shout out out to all my old school gamers. (Gauntlet 4 Life)



That is all.

2007

was a strange year



(it shan't be forgotten as much as the others)

via Top Gear

The Koenigsegg! Supercars are usually uncool because they’re pretentious, but this one is cool because of the simple fact it’s so dangerous you can go through the Pearly Gates backwards in a fireball; a cool way to die.

(Hammond makes no demur, and enjoys the thought of blasting in there backwards in a flaming Swedish supercar)

I’m here! Where are the women?

good luck getting anything done

in the next 15 minutes

It's cold now

Rather than running, I am lifting. Rather than fiating, I am home-brewing technology

Want to make your OWN 4-cell, palm-sized opponent-blinding flashlight? You're gonna need some J.B. Weld.

fdjkh

Today i shook the hand of the Iron Sheik, a great professional wrestling villain from my youth and what must have been the easiest bad guy to come up with...

{flash back to WWF marketing brainstorm session}
-It's the 80's and we need a bad guy
-Everyone hates foreigners...
-And the Iranians!

Thus was born the Foreign Legion and the Sheiks reign as tag-team champion. (okay, so maybe the Iran stuff happened after the Sheik. Fuck you and your linear sense of time.)

Did i mention that the Sheik was appearing at a local Gentleman's establishment? Because he was and that's where we went to see him. I think he wrestled a 100 women, which was impressive considering his old, feeble and chemically altered state. Either that or he sat in the corner. Eventually he would take center stage and work up the crowd for 15 minutes yelling incoherent rambling about being in Detroit, Wrestlemania Three and the "Toe Chesta" which is how he pronounced "Toy Chest" (the establishment)

Other knowledge dropped by the Sheik:
The Ultimate Warrior engages is sex with men
Jake the Snake is a Jabroni
Junkyard dog was a good man (R.I.P)
The other half of the foreign legion is a well to do, thrifty, man of Jewish decent.

Sadly, there was no mention of or demonstration for the camel clutch but i assure if we'd have been at a better establishment we could have had some visual aids.

regardless, autographs and photos were both 5 dollars so we left with neither.

Later we repeated the typical day before Thanksgiving rituals. Some of it was new, but most of it was not.

When it was over, sometime approximately equal to now, I stood out in the snow. This is the first snow of the year and it was real, frozen, hard enough to bounce of your skin and jacket and make that tell-tale sound, type snow. I stood there for a while and it was very quiet and for some reason it reminded me of this place.

Back to the Absurdity

Much has happened in the last few weeks but nothing noteworthy enough to remember or retell here. So like sitcoms and the girls at the strip club, we'll pretend no time or event has passed since our last encounter.

After an exhaustive on-again, off-again 3 week search, i was finally able to download a copy of the fairly obscure Cherry 2000.

This pleases me.



Cherry 2000 is straight out of the 80's, my youth and the sci-fi robot world that blew my mind as a youngster. It's a fine flick about a man and his live-in robot women (i.e. maid/sex-bot) and his travels through post apocalyptic America to find replacement parts for her. I remember watching this movie with my folks, which thankfully wasn't too uncomfortable as I remember it to be nudity-free.

Time has not been kind to Cherry 2000 but i promise you it's worth watching. At least that's how i remember it. I haven't watched the download yet but it certainly wouldn't be the first time a movie turned out to much more sour than i remember it being... you know, in the 80's.

If nothing else, it should be noted that the Cherry of Cherry 2000 was voted the #1 Gynoid. See it here.

sold!

holy shit

yes, i realize this has become a place for simple recycled internet content, but dammit i'm busy getting my learn on and ripping my muscles.

How did YOU think I lost the Caddy?

it's been a full week

first, something to relax us:


Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit

i can't wait for the future.

today a suited-man suit with a fancy briefcase (the combination of which obviously validates his statements) told me we should mind the conversation where we were. he said big brother was alive and well in this town and it's government buildings were not to be trusted.

"it wouldn't surprise me if they had MICs in those bathrooms."

so we continued our conversation in the parking lot where they may have been able to see us "but likely couldn't hear us"

it seems my business with big brother isn't finished yet.

in these trying times, it's important to stay focused on what's important


Ultra Records: Destination Calabria
those are the tightest formations i've ever seen. this band would do awesome at sectionals

(you want more? i got more. my new goal in life is to become the minister of sound.

remember

"it could all come crashing down"

(thanks Skelert)

we should train more

You lazy Zombie Fucks

New side bar link.

Here's an example of what you might find there, though admittedly, this particular one is better if you've partied with the dutch.

"pops married his job"

more here

through the hills, even

On this date in history, 2007: Sophist runs 10 consecutive sub-10-minute miles; declares entire world "chump."

college is hard

I've finally found a religion i can get behind. (some mutherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill)

Currently the mac is transferring 50 gig of music from it's native hard drive to the external drive, for as with all mac devices, it runs slower than a arthritic three-legged dog when operating without any free space.

Also, this guy is dead. "I didn't even know his last name."

Finally, now that I'm back in college (your mom says hi. from college. where she goes) It means I'm back in supply of highly entertaining campus watch newsletters.

Enjoy.

Between August 29, 2007 and September 12, 2007 one incident of 'Robbery Not Armed' and two incidents of 'Attempted Robbery Not Armed' have been reported on public streets in close proximity to campus. The incidents have some similarities and are summarized as follows:


Incident #1: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:15am
W. Kirby, between Cass and Woodward

A 25 year old female student reports she was putting money in a parking
meter when she felt a "tug" on her purse. She turned and noticed the
below described subject pulling on the purse. The subject punched the
student in the head, knocking her down. He got control of the purse and
fled on a bike, riding east on Kirby and north into the Historical
Museum parking lot, from there unknown. The student had minor
injuries.

Description: Black male, 18-25 years, 6'2" tall, no facial hair, medium
complexion, yellow baggy sweat shirt, dark pants, last seen
riding a 10 speed bike.


Incident #2: Monday, September 10, 2007 1:15pm
W. Warren at North Lodge Service Drive

A 26 year old female student reports she was sitting on the grass
waiting for her ride. There, she was approached by the below described
subject who exposed himself and then tried to snatch the students purse
from her shoulder. The subject was not successful and he fled across
Warren to the shopping plaza parking lot. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 40's, black plain tee shirt, black shorts, no
facial hair, described as being "clean" and not a homeless type.

Incident #3: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 8:00pm
W. Kirby between Cass and Woodward

A 20 year old male student reports he was walking on the sidewalk when
and unknown male grabbed his backpack from behind. The student turned
around and the subject punched him in the mouth. The victim punched the
perpetrator in the face, knocking him to the ground. The student then
fled on foot. The perpetrator obtained nothing and was last seen
laying on the ground. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 25-40 years of age, full beard, wearing a
black baseball hat facing forward, a grey hoodie with black
lettering, dark pants.

PREVENTION TIPS:

To reduce your chances of becoming a robbery victim, we recommend you routinely walk in areas where you can see others and others can see you.
Robbery perpetrators, like any other criminal, don't want to be caught "in the act" of robbing someone. They prefer areas where neither potential victims or witnesses will see them. By staying in populated areas, you increase your chances of never being selected for this type of crime.
Whether you are in the city or the suburbs and you find yourself confronted by a robber, the most important thing that you can do during the incident is to prevent, if possible, any violence. Always assume the robber is armed, even if you can’t see a weapon, and act accordingly. If you are the victim of a robbery, consider these important tips:

• Get it over with quickly. Chances are if you stall, the robber will get
nervous and may be more prone to violence.

• Nothing you have or own is worth getting hurt for. Valuables can be
replaced, you can not.

• Do what the robber asks, but do not volunteer to do anything more. Move
quickly, but carefully to give the robber exactly what they want.

• Do not fight or try any impulsive heroics. The risks are high if the
robber is armed.

• Do not volunteer to go anywhere with the robber or allow them to take
you anywhere. The odds are heavily against you if you allow them to
take you to a secondary crime scene where they have more privacy and
more control over you.

• Do not chase the robber. Carefully note their physical description and
the direction they flee in. If they have a vehicle, note it's type,
color and license plate if possible.

• If you have the opportunity to flee, do so immediately. The robber
wants your property most of all. Drop it or throw in one direction,
then run in the opposite direction, to any area where there may be
other people around.

ouch. my soul.

Radical. Mostly.

Run. Class. Run. Class. Run.

This story would be better if it weren't in Esquire. I don't think this would work in real life but very much love the idea. (even if the author is a tool) I can say i think I'm about as honest as is socially possible, but eventually the return on self satisfaction is eclipsed by the explosion of anger. But I'll say, the idea is pretty appealing.


I'm not gonna lie. College was FUCKED up

(and those are cross-dressers)

Ironman Is Here

Speaking of arms dealers.... life's all about good marketing.


Tales Of Brave Ulysses
By eric clapton and martin sharp
(compliments of Shad from work)

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.


I really love XKCD



this is exactly how I feel about zombies

well fuck me

I will officially consider this my moment of fame. Turns out if you search the google for "Don't talk watch I will bite your torso" (athf ref.) the Sophist Webpage is first on the list.

As well, "athf+movie+lyrics+knife+face" will find me in the top 10, "bite your torso" with "give you a disease" puts me at number 2 and '"i will bite" lyrics' puts me in at lucky number 3.

If cutting isn't your thing, you can also find the Sophist's home in results 161 to 170 if you're searching for "what's hulk hogan's cell phone number . com" and finally, what's the only web result you can find when prodding the tubes for info about "Ace Hardbody?" You guessed it...

I will now sit back and wait for the sluts to roll in. (all the way to the bank)

fragments

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First day of fall grad class. Grad school, I've discovered is like a wrapped present, and on the first day you discover at level of insanity your prof is and to what degree of absurdness the course will be taught.

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Speaking of Alt. Energy, not all ideas are Good ideas.

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This piece of news is just another bullet in the corpse of privacy.

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accelerated marathon training is destroying me.

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Can no one appreciate my desire to nail a hot, drunk chick wearing a Megatron mask in the butt?

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Detroit Awesome-O radio quote of the day:
"Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke"

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Annual House of the Struggle Halloween party is in full effect this year. All efforts will be made to blow. you. away. Be There! BE THERE! IF YOUR NOT THERE YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL.... IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, BREAK OUT! (10.27.07)

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I will now leave you in the hands of beauty: (compliments of H)

My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey July 2, 2007

Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing he does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowed them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.)

Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”

The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”

Show monkey wandering around, injured, lost and alone. Make him trip, using fishing line attached to his leg. (Try to get this on first take, because after that monkey will probably try to bite off fishing line.)

Show giraffe being chased by a lion. If not too expensive, use full-sized, realistic robotic lion, able to run at full speed. Otherwise get a man in a lion suit.

The oppressive sun beats down on monkey (heat lamp). Monkey looks up with an expression that says, “Why, oh sun, do you torment me so?” (Get good director.)

We see lion eating a giraffe. At first, we think it is our giraffe, but then we are relieved to see it is a baby giraffe.

Rock slide covers monkey (fake monkey). Show monkey crawling out (real monkey with a few heavy rocks laid on top of him).

Narrator: “Can the monkey and the giraffe survive? Will they ever be reunited?”

Show monkey trying to join group of monkeys (real monkeys or children in monkey suits, whichever is cheaper). Our monkey is driven away by the leader of the monkey pack, a vicious, snarling brute (papier-mâché marionette). Subtitle translates snarls as “You thought you were so great when you were riding on that giraffe’s neck, but you aren’t so high and mighty now.”

Show giraffe, alone in the darkness, shivering from fear (ice packs on legs). Finally, he falls asleep (sleeping pills?). We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully approaches a gravestone. At first, he can’t make out the name on it, but when he finally does he is shocked. The name on the gravestone reads, “The Monkey.” The giraffe wakes up in a cold sweat (heat lamp).

Show two female explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, nearby are two explorers, Laci and Brandy.” Show the explorers swimming for quite a while. Then show them getting dressed and leaving. We notice they have left behind a pair of binoculars.

The monkey is starving now. We know this because when he looks at a parrot on a branch it turns into a roasted, steaming parrot on a branch.

Narrator: “The monkey is now at the end of his rope. So he puts his faith in the Almighty.” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s hands together.) Show monkey walking along later. (Be sure to unglue hands first.) He sees a glowing treasure chest and opens it—it’s filled with bananas. (Have choir singing in background, so you know it’s from God.)

Refreshed and healed by that good banana nutrition, the monkey heads off. For comic relief, show monkey approaching a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey will not approach skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he will relax and go up to skunk. However, do not let him drink too much or he may kill skunk.

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focusses on, yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Just then, the giraffe is shot by a tranquillizer dart. We show the shooters, two trappers from a zoo. We know they are evil because we saw a part earlier where they were shooting each other with tranquillizer darts, to get high.

Cut to a truck travelling across the savanna. In a cage in the back is the giraffe, looking sad (half a sleeping pill). But then we reveal that it’s not the two trappers driving the truck but the monkey! (Note: Use cheap truck, because monkey will probably wreck it.)

Show the two trappers sitting on the ground, tied up. No need to show how the monkey captured them; just have one of the trappers say, “That damn monkey!”

Show monkey releasing giraffe from cage and monkey leaping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: Monkey may not do this, so put monkey on giraffe’s neck and jerk back with harness; then show film in reverse.)

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited at last, as nature intended.” Show giraffe trying in vain to reach a piece of fruit high on a tree branch. The monkey clambers up on top of giraffe’s head and picks the fruit, but then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe something to induce choking, then dub in laughing sounds.)

Show the two female explorers returning to the lagoon, looking for the binoculars. They can’t find them, so they just decide to go swimming again.

Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sunset. Question: Would it be too much to show monkey wearing a little cowboy hat? Cute, but maybe hurts reality of the documentary. ♦



I guess this is close enough.

(Yeah, my blog has nudity when the joke necessitates as well as superfluous references to butt sex when it doesn't.)