eye opening

As expected, GrindHouse is the greatest movie ever made, and though i can't speak for all of you, chances are if you associated with me in your life, you'll agree.

(Though this guy wasn't exactly in the movie, you do see his gnarled face quite a bit. Seems he's quite a man in real life)

But perhaps the weekend's most amazing event was meeting a particular newly pregnant couple in Ann Arbor that filled me in on how fate smacked them up: Apparently, even though she was on the patch (messed up her dose rotation) and he was using a condom (broke during the act) and they had access to Plan B, or "the morning after pill," (which was administered with the prescribed dosage and timetable) but she still managed to find herself with child. (you can now insert a reference to this being the will of your particular deity).

And I never had sex again.

"Sex here!"

I'll take 7...

100% Death Proof

H point out that Charlton Heston performs his own miracles. (It's people!)

I'm trying to finish the furnishing of my new place and it's proving expensive and complicated. I'm tired of sleeping on an air mattress, but quality replacements run well over a grand. I also need a vacuum. And some knives.


It seems the internet has provided us with a whole new way to exact revenge on unsuspecting fools.

life in the cube farm.

Still April 1st

I will know drop mad engineering humor. (this is what we talk about during the infrequent down times at work... in fact, i'd say 97% of all jokes around there involve an air-graph or ven-diagram)

April Celebration of Fools

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

Q. How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
A. You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

Q. What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A. The Holocaust.

Q. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. Repeated absences and stealing.

Q. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A. A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that lasts a lifetime.

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

Q. What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?
A. A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Q. Why was six afraid of seven?
A. It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

I be like droppin knowledge

too many "how to" manuals in the world. Figure it out for yourself: It's better that way

However, the breadth of topic is still funny. But seriously, you need figure out how to date a stripper on your own... or learn from your dad/brother/priest


(the derivative of Batman should be Bruce Wayne or the integral of Bruce Wayne = Batman... Fucking amateurs)

Why aren't I sleeping?

Because I can't stop watching episodes of BattleStar Galactica. It's Too Damn Good.

Tyrol: You know, we need to figure out whose side we're on.
Tigh: Which side are we on. We're on the side of the demons, Chief. We're evil men in the gardens of paradise, sent by the forces of death to spread devastation and destruction wherever we go. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

Fucking Brilliant.

Briefly

Okay. China, We FUCKING get it already, you're better than the west. Let it go. (I could do a lot of things if i had 6 foot arms)

The real question is, if a strange woman appears and masturbates on your couch, would you throw it (them) away?

I suppose you could apply the theory of unexplained bacon to identify this as a ninja trap... but if I have to live a life forever questioning the origins of mystery bacon and masturbating strangers, i don't want to live that life.

I wasn't hungry anyway

Also,

It can always be worse.

i can't help but post this

(what else can't I help?)

classic good time

I'm sure everything is fine

In unrelated news we're all still fucked.

meh

Could this lead to an Elise test drive? Perhaps not. I shall stick to my work (one carb down, one to go)

Fax party

new place

(why would there be a shirt hanging from the ceiling lamp?)

too close to home

It seems there's an entire theory in the alternative energy underground that the company i work for (i tend to never mention here the name of my current employer) is essentially responsible for undermining the development of hybrid, plug in hybrid and even pure electric vehicles in the U.S.

This new data is highly detrimental to the paradigm.

It all revolves around legal action taken by my company and it's parents to defend battery chemistry technology, allegedly copied by Panasonic and Toyota. Alliances with oil companies make the plot go 'round, supplying a ready-made antagonist and conspiracy. I am so very... confused and It will take much time to absorb and react to this new information.

I want to believe in the goodness. It's what makes the 10 hours days go by so quickly and what makes you want to spend the first warm day of the year thermally profiling a new heat management system for the '09 model because there is so much science to be done and so few people.

What's most important now is informing the overlords that the master plan has been revealed... No one is falling for the ruse of a small group of people driving hybrids and riding their bikes to work because it's the most rewarding job you can find in a place like Detroit. Then again, if i was the evil management and wanted to convince everyone i wasn't choking-out battery technology, I'd hire a bunch of idealistic fools too.

More science is needed.

Best

good


better

edit

edit: in reference to a previous post about threesomes...

I just realized the first line of my threesome tirade refers to "bullet scared strippers" as in strippers that are afraid of bullets, presumably coming from a gun. It was supposed to read "bullet scarred strippers" as in strippers sporting bullet scars which your finger-tips can identify quite readily, even when drunk.

This is only important not only because it adds a level of gritty realness and visualization, but also because it's a true story based on actual events.

(Support your local pole workers union)

part II

I once knew a man who refused to celebrate his alcoholism. Later in life, that very same man would request an “energy-generation-themed” sequel to my highly un-acclaimed synopsis on the state of alternative and non alternative transportation fuels; a valid request if every there was one. Especially considering the unofficial conclusion to my previous entry (the EV or PHEV) places the brunt of transportation energy needs on the national electric grid. Once again, I promise no fact checking, because that time is better spent in the VIP room, where I vowed to myself I would avoid for at least 3… 2 weeks.

--que “Workout Theme” from Rocky--

This one’s for Timbo. (Did anyone else know that in the originally planned version of the latest Rocky movie, Rocky was supposed to visit an HIV/Death bed stricken Ivan Drago in Russia? That would have made the movie 36% better)

Non renewables

Oil

Rundown: Seldom used to generate electricity, you may find a few smaller Diesel generators (think less than 100kW) used during rare high demand times, or maybe powering some Arctic outpost or some shit like that. As far as I know, it basically doesn’t exist in the modern electric utility.

Outlook: Save it for your gas-powered dildos and hedge trimmers: no one’s gonna use black gold to make megawatts.

Coal

Rundown: To domestic power generation, coal is like Dale Ernhart, The Super Bowl and that time in high school when that hot chick totally went down on you (man, you never again scored action like that... everything was so much better back then), all rolled into one. Coal is so cheap that the comparisons to your mother/sister/girlfriend practically write themselves. Likewise in both cases, it’s dirty as hell and many laws have been passed in an attempt (though often half-hearted) to outlaw its (and their) use. Depending on whose lies you believe, coal is said to account for something like 60% of our power generation and is so plentiful, it practically falls out of the earth. Or, you know, onto some minors. (Why wouldn’t they let those guys enjoy a cold beer after a long day in the mines?) Local laws, though often preventing the construction of new coal plants or requiring “clean coal” facilities, almost always allow for the continued operation of existing facilities, lest they drive the utilities out of business by mandating total replacement of existing infrastructure. The idea of clean coal is mysterious and as far as I’m concerned, bogus. It can be reformed into things like “coal gas” and such, but as we’ve already learned, when we turn a dirty fuel into a clean fuel, the equation of life dictates the “dirt” part still show up on the right side of the equation. That means carbon bi-products, the best disposal solution suggested thus far being “pump it into the ground?” Right...

Outlook: Everything having to do with clean coal is smoke and mirrors. Old facilities continue to pump mercury, sulfur, COX, solid pollutants and a slew of other junk into the air, while newer plants pump a portion of it into a box which is sold to third world countries and made into Ramon Noodles. Unfortunately, the US alone has enough to power itself for about 300 years.

Natural Gas

Rundown: Natural gas is the golden child of new utility capacity. This is because instead of building massive, large capacity coal or nuclear plants, they’re opting to add in smaller, cheaper increments, only fulfilling the needs of the immediate future. Nature gas is perfect for this because it’s relatively clean and unlike the others, efficient in small scales. (The large capital investment associated with carbon sequestering or nuclear containment require an equally large return on investment, making it uneconomical to build small nuclear/coal plants). Unfortunately, this gas which was once vented into the atmosphere for lack of a better purpose is now looked upon most favorably and without even arguing about how much of the stuff is left, we can’t deny that the supplying governments are unreliable at best.

Outlook: Tough to call and even harder to add wit to. Far cleaner than coal and other fossil fuels, it’s hard to come by and getting harder. Additionally, use of gas for heating is increasing demand big time. Also, this could be the Soviet Republic’s big ticket back into the major leagues.

Nuclear

Rundown: Nuclear energy is like an enigma wrapped up in misunderstanding and tucked into an "I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it" shaped box. On one hand you have a basically limitless supply of energy and assuming nothing goes wrong, no waste that can't easily be dealt with. (if everyone was really honest with themselves, they'd realize that nuclear waste 40 miles below the surface ain't gonna hurt nobody). Of course, if something DOES go wrong, none of the above matters because your skin is boiling and your eyes are bleeding out. It falls somewhere between the guilty fossil fuels and the petunia smelling renewables.

Outlook: Depends who you vote for

Renewables

Wind

Rundown: The wind energy bubble came and went without many people noticing. Most cheap, viable, open windy farm land in the Midwest have been spoken for, though I’m not convinced the majority of it will never see the windmill it was purchased for. I think Europeans recognized electricity from wind as an elegant and simple solution long before the states did. Many people will say dumb things like “what if the wind stops blowing?” Those people have never been to the top of a tall building, off shore of a New England State or spent any time with Notorious’ sister/mother/girlfriend (I hear she blows AND sucks)

Outlook: Companies like GE and others are always building bigger windmills, the most recent of which can produce 5 megawatts when located offshore. This is enough to power about 5000 homes. I expect to see a lot more windmills, and in all honestly, they make me just a little randy.

Solar

Rundown: Believe it or not, the sun is predictable and action packed if you go to the right place. In fact, it's a pretty well known fact that something like 500 sq miles of solar panels located in the southwest would power the entire US. (look it up). And that calculation assumes your basic silicon cell of ~8% efficiency, where technologies like a dual axis-tracking, parabolic trough thermal system can convert solar thermal energy on the efficiency range of 40%. And since it's a thermal facility, instead of direct to electric, that thermal energy can be stored and distributed through out the 24 hour day.

Outlook: Facilities like the one described above have been operating in the southwest for 20 years, and though still operational... nothing similar has been built in the U.S. this millennium. What can I do?

The Others

Geo thermal

Rundown/Outlook: If you’re living in Iceland and a home-owner, pat yourself on the back friend, because Geo-Thermal Energy and nationalized health care are about the only things you got going for you in life.

Tidal

Rundown/Outlook: There’s a lot of water moving around out there and even if it moves just a little and very slowly, the ungodly mass makes it a viable energy source. However, I don’t have to throw myself head first into a man-on-man-on-man-on-rhino-on man orgy to know I’m not going to feel at home in that setting. Likewise, I don’t need direct experience with the sea to know those angry, salty, waters will make short work of any sort of power generating facility placed in its indignant depths. The point is, Joules Vern, time to go back to the Nautilus and play make-believe/touch yourself. This scenario seems unlikely.

Energy Storage

We all know god dammed well that as soon as I talk about renewable (and therefore perceived as unreliable) sources of energy, someone is going to pipe up about the inherent instability this system induces on the obviously fragile national electric grid. Allow me to piss on your face before you even open your mouth by exploring the wonderful world of large-scale, high power energy storage systems. (Back off man, I’m a scientist). There’s plenty of methods. Here’s two good ones.

Battery

Rundown: I’m sure you all realize that 95% of the technology for chemical-based batteries was sorted out about a hundred years ago. That said, even though I hate the idea of being a traditionalist, my experience says the longest lasting methods are normally the soundest. For your typical large battery, the best advances of late have come in the area of energy density and minimizing environmental impact. The downfall continues to be the pesky high price ingredients.

Outlook: Did I mention that I work for a battery company and after two engineering jobs in the battery field would officially consider myself a battery expert? Betting against batteries is like betting against Rocky: you don’t do it lest you wake up with broken arms. Still, batteries aren't the best way to power a building when the sun goes down- They are, however, a great way to suck up some solar power to get to work and back in your PHEV.

Note: If you’ve heard of super capacitors or something of the like, they’re a lot like batteries but more fantastical. People have been promising them to be “just around the time corner” for the last 30 years. If you get me really drunk we can talk about fly wheel-based energy storage devices… People already use these things! (Google it bitches)

Water

Rundown/Outlook: Power demand is like a sin wave added to a constant value greater than one. If you got laid in high school and don't know what that means, it basically says demand goes up and down with a pretty constant pulse. The problem is your generating capacity needs to meet the highest peak, making for unnecessary power when the demand dips. Big pumped water storage tanks are a way to use energy when demand is low (pump water into a resevoir) and recover it when demand is high (let the water flow out a la hydro-station). It's simple and elegant here under a cover of clouds we see the Ludington pumped water storage facility that's been in effect since the 70's.

More proof that like Rocky, sequels are never as good as the original. That is all. There is no point and no conclusion because nothing has been finished. It's hard to fight the good fight and I am tired. Next week I'll tell you about this simple theory: The further you study a topic, the more jaded you become. If only science can save us...

disc

We all knew that the bee is made in this state, but who would claim to know that the sport itself (or various sports) had such deep roots in Michigan?

life kicks you when you're down

My threesome entry has received little acclaim. It appears people only talk about this stuff when they're drunk.



In the mean time, kidney stones + pneumonia =/ crazy delicious. I've never spent a night in the hospital, let alone done the doubled-over, writhing-strut of pain into the emergency room. It breaks down like this:

1) All data, though inconclusive, shows that I am still invincible, though highly susceptible to prolonged stabbing sensations in the kidney. It also helps to add a respiratory-based viral infection to take me down.

2) The pain-medicine drip makes all the problems go away.

3) Vicadin makes it hard to concentrate on the written word; 11 episodes of "Heros" proves it is the greatest show on TV, as it is based on superhero/comic book stuff with a villain that increases his powers by eating the brains of other people with powers.


I am so very sleepy now

Three's Company

I’ve compiled my list of all things threesomes. Of course you wonder, “How can the Sophist speak about threesomes, when he has never known one? Is he some kind of wizard?”

To this of course I would argue that all knowledge is intrinsically known and I must simply recollect what was already known, bitches.

Besides, it’s like a wise man once told me: “What can I do?”

Every work-a-day-warrior/bar-philosopher knows threesomes are becoming as common as apple pie and bullet scared strippers. I could prove this shift in modern Americana by searching a lot of online articles for magazines like Glamor and Cosmo and other such mind imploding materials with titles like “threesomes are the new black?” and “Should you share your guy?” but that would likely cause me long term damage. Instead I’ll illustrate the point by way of the “Three’s Company Enigma.”

See, when Three's Company first came out, everyone was begging the question, could it be possible that Jack might one day nail both Janet and Chrissy? Saner minds of the time, of course, reminded those fringe-of-society lunatics that Janet and Chrissy were in fact ladies and the chances of such a bumbling and clearly low-income Jack putting the love dart to those two foxes was like asking if reverse electron flow theory will every displace conventional current flow theory. (the answer is "no")

Were John Q. Network to break a show like that today there would be no zaney “what if” appeal, simply because the 18-25 crew would readily assume that the three of them had already tagged up sometime back in college and the issue was all worked out. Of course, Janet’s boyfriend at the time would have been allowed to video tape the whole thing, Chrissy would later turn out to be a full blown lesbian and jack was too high to recall the night’s events. (He passed out 10 minutes in and the ladies, championed by an enthusiastic yet oddly aggressive Chrissy had to continue without him,) But the underlying assumption would be obvious and people would turn off their sets in bitter fury knowing that Chrissy and Janet were WAY too old to make a mistake like that again.

If that’s not proof enough, let it be known that wikipedia features illustrated examples under its “threesome” listing. (think about it)



threesomes: it's science

With that established, eveone wants to know how to make it happen and after living though a lot of these threesome (the cool kind... and the un-cool kind) conversations, this is what I’ve gathered: There’s basically two ways honest guys like ourselves are going to seal the deal with two chicks; Either to find a girlfriend, acquaintance or some other form of “known” female that wants to experiment with you and another lady, or two, pull off the random, one-time, one-night hook up with two stunning (-ish, but we’ll get to that in a moment) ladies who know they’ll never have to listen to our theories on things like sci-fi, cars or electron theory the next morning and yet for some reason STILL feel a burning need to put our 21st digit between them. This of course assumes the people I associate with aren’t millionaires, willing to pay for two hookers or want to walk into a Detroit strip club with a pocket full of powder, the last of which seems to be the most effective way to pull this thing off. Just maybe not the easiest. (You’re not afraid of Cadillac-driving pimps named Elron, right?)

The chance of a random shag with two chicks is akin to a low probability analogy that I’m too tired to write (though history and drunken life-stories seem to prove it does happen). For that reason, most ambitious fellows gear their game around the “convince my current female of interest that we should share the beauty of our dirty mattress-dance.” The fact that i think most people forget are the concessions one will make when it comes to finding that lucky third contestant. For reasons which will remain unanswered, i will call this the "Greece-Syndrome," which can be a deadly, dangerous road when you're already dealing with numbers on the un-happy side of the 1 to 10 scale. But you can leave that part out when retelling the story at the bar.

So how come we’re not all elbows deep in flesh and holes? Could be Midwest states aren’t as hip as the coasts? Or is it because of the terrible and seemingly insurmountable threesome paradox that everyone (important (as in, ‘female’)) wants to be the mysterious and unknown third person. This is evident by the fact that everyone seems to know a person or two that actually “went through with” or “scammed” a threesome (whether one “goes through with” or happens to “scam” the threesome depends naturally on whether or not your underwear has a fly in the front). These tainted and adventurous sages always seem to revert to the “I should have gotten two people I didn’t know.” (unless, you know, they're strippers that do it for blow)

I’m not really sure what to add at this point. There’s probably a lot to be said for etiquette, safety and watching your wallet, but if you find yourself dealing with these issues, you have already reached the peak of the mountain and are simply making the climb down. I have decided that is my greatest contribution to the betterment of man and will now deal with the inevitable few who will ask the most obvious of questions. I'll begin:

Some will query “where did you get the free time to become such a masterful logitician?
To which I will answer “the bar (with your mom)”

And some will stand up and proclaim “shouldn’t two naïve and well-to-look-at lasses please assemble on the Sophist’s residence so this body of knowledge can be completed?” You enthusiastic few would be right.

Finally, some will ask, “but doesn’t H read this blog and will she not punch you in the eye with great fury?” You my fellows would be most right of all.

(all euphemisms provided by these people)

eidt: I forgot to mention the "Seduce two India-Exchange grad students who are cousins" to my list of ways these things go down. It's proven effective, but only if you're prepared to find yourself on the unfriendly side of an Indian Hit-squad. A lot was learned that summer. Maybe a little... Too much.


game face

I'm back bitches

After a cold and icy move-in, followed by a brief stint of flu-like symptoms, my possessions are nar'y out of the box. Regardless, I've got the wireless cancer waves of the internet pulsing through my apartment and I've had a lot of time to create. Stay tuned for my analysis of threesomes. In the mean time, enjoy this:

this article, though painful and obvious... still somehow seems worth it.

I've not seen this movie, know nothing about it and can't even comprehend what it could be about. But kind of want to see it now. And yet don't. (not the bees!)

Lastly, this product advertised in this seemingly lesbian Erotic film is quite ninja in nature... yet still so very disturbing.