Three's Company

I’ve compiled my list of all things threesomes. Of course you wonder, “How can the Sophist speak about threesomes, when he has never known one? Is he some kind of wizard?”

To this of course I would argue that all knowledge is intrinsically known and I must simply recollect what was already known, bitches.

Besides, it’s like a wise man once told me: “What can I do?”

Every work-a-day-warrior/bar-philosopher knows threesomes are becoming as common as apple pie and bullet scared strippers. I could prove this shift in modern Americana by searching a lot of online articles for magazines like Glamor and Cosmo and other such mind imploding materials with titles like “threesomes are the new black?” and “Should you share your guy?” but that would likely cause me long term damage. Instead I’ll illustrate the point by way of the “Three’s Company Enigma.”

See, when Three's Company first came out, everyone was begging the question, could it be possible that Jack might one day nail both Janet and Chrissy? Saner minds of the time, of course, reminded those fringe-of-society lunatics that Janet and Chrissy were in fact ladies and the chances of such a bumbling and clearly low-income Jack putting the love dart to those two foxes was like asking if reverse electron flow theory will every displace conventional current flow theory. (the answer is "no")

Were John Q. Network to break a show like that today there would be no zaney “what if” appeal, simply because the 18-25 crew would readily assume that the three of them had already tagged up sometime back in college and the issue was all worked out. Of course, Janet’s boyfriend at the time would have been allowed to video tape the whole thing, Chrissy would later turn out to be a full blown lesbian and jack was too high to recall the night’s events. (He passed out 10 minutes in and the ladies, championed by an enthusiastic yet oddly aggressive Chrissy had to continue without him,) But the underlying assumption would be obvious and people would turn off their sets in bitter fury knowing that Chrissy and Janet were WAY too old to make a mistake like that again.

If that’s not proof enough, let it be known that wikipedia features illustrated examples under its “threesome” listing. (think about it)



threesomes: it's science

With that established, eveone wants to know how to make it happen and after living though a lot of these threesome (the cool kind... and the un-cool kind) conversations, this is what I’ve gathered: There’s basically two ways honest guys like ourselves are going to seal the deal with two chicks; Either to find a girlfriend, acquaintance or some other form of “known” female that wants to experiment with you and another lady, or two, pull off the random, one-time, one-night hook up with two stunning (-ish, but we’ll get to that in a moment) ladies who know they’ll never have to listen to our theories on things like sci-fi, cars or electron theory the next morning and yet for some reason STILL feel a burning need to put our 21st digit between them. This of course assumes the people I associate with aren’t millionaires, willing to pay for two hookers or want to walk into a Detroit strip club with a pocket full of powder, the last of which seems to be the most effective way to pull this thing off. Just maybe not the easiest. (You’re not afraid of Cadillac-driving pimps named Elron, right?)

The chance of a random shag with two chicks is akin to a low probability analogy that I’m too tired to write (though history and drunken life-stories seem to prove it does happen). For that reason, most ambitious fellows gear their game around the “convince my current female of interest that we should share the beauty of our dirty mattress-dance.” The fact that i think most people forget are the concessions one will make when it comes to finding that lucky third contestant. For reasons which will remain unanswered, i will call this the "Greece-Syndrome," which can be a deadly, dangerous road when you're already dealing with numbers on the un-happy side of the 1 to 10 scale. But you can leave that part out when retelling the story at the bar.

So how come we’re not all elbows deep in flesh and holes? Could be Midwest states aren’t as hip as the coasts? Or is it because of the terrible and seemingly insurmountable threesome paradox that everyone (important (as in, ‘female’)) wants to be the mysterious and unknown third person. This is evident by the fact that everyone seems to know a person or two that actually “went through with” or “scammed” a threesome (whether one “goes through with” or happens to “scam” the threesome depends naturally on whether or not your underwear has a fly in the front). These tainted and adventurous sages always seem to revert to the “I should have gotten two people I didn’t know.” (unless, you know, they're strippers that do it for blow)

I’m not really sure what to add at this point. There’s probably a lot to be said for etiquette, safety and watching your wallet, but if you find yourself dealing with these issues, you have already reached the peak of the mountain and are simply making the climb down. I have decided that is my greatest contribution to the betterment of man and will now deal with the inevitable few who will ask the most obvious of questions. I'll begin:

Some will query “where did you get the free time to become such a masterful logitician?
To which I will answer “the bar (with your mom)”

And some will stand up and proclaim “shouldn’t two naïve and well-to-look-at lasses please assemble on the Sophist’s residence so this body of knowledge can be completed?” You enthusiastic few would be right.

Finally, some will ask, “but doesn’t H read this blog and will she not punch you in the eye with great fury?” You my fellows would be most right of all.

(all euphemisms provided by these people)

eidt: I forgot to mention the "Seduce two India-Exchange grad students who are cousins" to my list of ways these things go down. It's proven effective, but only if you're prepared to find yourself on the unfriendly side of an Indian Hit-squad. A lot was learned that summer. Maybe a little... Too much.


game face