where's the booze?

i bailed out of work early today (well, actually, they assumed i would want to leave and get drunk without me even asking... odd) and it's that magically-drunk day of the year, so i figured i'd help all ya'll with a few jokes, anecdotes and toasts you can use this evening.

disclaimer: i guarantee these are funnier when you're drunk


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"Here's to all the kisses we've snatched...and vice versa!"

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"Here's to panties; they're not the bet thing in the world, but they're close to it."

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What do Pink Floyd, Berlin and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last hit was a wall.

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(drunk version)
"Here's to honor; If you can't cum in her, cum honor"

(sober version)
"She offered her honor 
He honored her offer 
And all night long, it was 
On her, off her, on her, off her"


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An Irishman is never drunk as long as
He can hold onto one blade of grass and not
Fall off the face of the earth.

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Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
"Bring on the goddamn cat!"

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In heaven there is no beer
that's why we drink it here
and when we're gone from here
our friends will be drinking all the beer

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and as if you needed another reason, you can always drink to make the people around you interesting.