How did YOU think I lost the Caddy?

it's been a full week

first, something to relax us:


Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit

i can't wait for the future.

today a suited-man suit with a fancy briefcase (the combination of which obviously validates his statements) told me we should mind the conversation where we were. he said big brother was alive and well in this town and it's government buildings were not to be trusted.

"it wouldn't surprise me if they had MICs in those bathrooms."

so we continued our conversation in the parking lot where they may have been able to see us "but likely couldn't hear us"

it seems my business with big brother isn't finished yet.

in these trying times, it's important to stay focused on what's important


Ultra Records: Destination Calabria
those are the tightest formations i've ever seen. this band would do awesome at sectionals

(you want more? i got more. my new goal in life is to become the minister of sound.

remember

"it could all come crashing down"

(thanks Skelert)

we should train more

You lazy Zombie Fucks

New side bar link.

Here's an example of what you might find there, though admittedly, this particular one is better if you've partied with the dutch.

"pops married his job"

more here

through the hills, even

On this date in history, 2007: Sophist runs 10 consecutive sub-10-minute miles; declares entire world "chump."

college is hard

I've finally found a religion i can get behind. (some mutherfuckers always trying to ice skate up hill)

Currently the mac is transferring 50 gig of music from it's native hard drive to the external drive, for as with all mac devices, it runs slower than a arthritic three-legged dog when operating without any free space.

Also, this guy is dead. "I didn't even know his last name."

Finally, now that I'm back in college (your mom says hi. from college. where she goes) It means I'm back in supply of highly entertaining campus watch newsletters.

Enjoy.

Between August 29, 2007 and September 12, 2007 one incident of 'Robbery Not Armed' and two incidents of 'Attempted Robbery Not Armed' have been reported on public streets in close proximity to campus. The incidents have some similarities and are summarized as follows:


Incident #1: Wednesday, August 29, 2007 10:15am
W. Kirby, between Cass and Woodward

A 25 year old female student reports she was putting money in a parking
meter when she felt a "tug" on her purse. She turned and noticed the
below described subject pulling on the purse. The subject punched the
student in the head, knocking her down. He got control of the purse and
fled on a bike, riding east on Kirby and north into the Historical
Museum parking lot, from there unknown. The student had minor
injuries.

Description: Black male, 18-25 years, 6'2" tall, no facial hair, medium
complexion, yellow baggy sweat shirt, dark pants, last seen
riding a 10 speed bike.


Incident #2: Monday, September 10, 2007 1:15pm
W. Warren at North Lodge Service Drive

A 26 year old female student reports she was sitting on the grass
waiting for her ride. There, she was approached by the below described
subject who exposed himself and then tried to snatch the students purse
from her shoulder. The subject was not successful and he fled across
Warren to the shopping plaza parking lot. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 40's, black plain tee shirt, black shorts, no
facial hair, described as being "clean" and not a homeless type.

Incident #3: Wednesday, September 12, 2007 8:00pm
W. Kirby between Cass and Woodward

A 20 year old male student reports he was walking on the sidewalk when
and unknown male grabbed his backpack from behind. The student turned
around and the subject punched him in the mouth. The victim punched the
perpetrator in the face, knocking him to the ground. The student then
fled on foot. The perpetrator obtained nothing and was last seen
laying on the ground. The student was not injured.

Description: Black Male, 25-40 years of age, full beard, wearing a
black baseball hat facing forward, a grey hoodie with black
lettering, dark pants.

PREVENTION TIPS:

To reduce your chances of becoming a robbery victim, we recommend you routinely walk in areas where you can see others and others can see you.
Robbery perpetrators, like any other criminal, don't want to be caught "in the act" of robbing someone. They prefer areas where neither potential victims or witnesses will see them. By staying in populated areas, you increase your chances of never being selected for this type of crime.
Whether you are in the city or the suburbs and you find yourself confronted by a robber, the most important thing that you can do during the incident is to prevent, if possible, any violence. Always assume the robber is armed, even if you can’t see a weapon, and act accordingly. If you are the victim of a robbery, consider these important tips:

• Get it over with quickly. Chances are if you stall, the robber will get
nervous and may be more prone to violence.

• Nothing you have or own is worth getting hurt for. Valuables can be
replaced, you can not.

• Do what the robber asks, but do not volunteer to do anything more. Move
quickly, but carefully to give the robber exactly what they want.

• Do not fight or try any impulsive heroics. The risks are high if the
robber is armed.

• Do not volunteer to go anywhere with the robber or allow them to take
you anywhere. The odds are heavily against you if you allow them to
take you to a secondary crime scene where they have more privacy and
more control over you.

• Do not chase the robber. Carefully note their physical description and
the direction they flee in. If they have a vehicle, note it's type,
color and license plate if possible.

• If you have the opportunity to flee, do so immediately. The robber
wants your property most of all. Drop it or throw in one direction,
then run in the opposite direction, to any area where there may be
other people around.

ouch. my soul.

Radical. Mostly.

Run. Class. Run. Class. Run.

This story would be better if it weren't in Esquire. I don't think this would work in real life but very much love the idea. (even if the author is a tool) I can say i think I'm about as honest as is socially possible, but eventually the return on self satisfaction is eclipsed by the explosion of anger. But I'll say, the idea is pretty appealing.


I'm not gonna lie. College was FUCKED up

(and those are cross-dressers)

Ironman Is Here

Speaking of arms dealers.... life's all about good marketing.


Tales Of Brave Ulysses
By eric clapton and martin sharp
(compliments of Shad from work)

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.


I really love XKCD



this is exactly how I feel about zombies

well fuck me

I will officially consider this my moment of fame. Turns out if you search the google for "Don't talk watch I will bite your torso" (athf ref.) the Sophist Webpage is first on the list.

As well, "athf+movie+lyrics+knife+face" will find me in the top 10, "bite your torso" with "give you a disease" puts me at number 2 and '"i will bite" lyrics' puts me in at lucky number 3.

If cutting isn't your thing, you can also find the Sophist's home in results 161 to 170 if you're searching for "what's hulk hogan's cell phone number . com" and finally, what's the only web result you can find when prodding the tubes for info about "Ace Hardbody?" You guessed it...

I will now sit back and wait for the sluts to roll in. (all the way to the bank)

fragments

******************

First day of fall grad class. Grad school, I've discovered is like a wrapped present, and on the first day you discover at level of insanity your prof is and to what degree of absurdness the course will be taught.

******************

Speaking of Alt. Energy, not all ideas are Good ideas.

******************

This piece of news is just another bullet in the corpse of privacy.

******************

accelerated marathon training is destroying me.

******************

Can no one appreciate my desire to nail a hot, drunk chick wearing a Megatron mask in the butt?

******************

Detroit Awesome-O radio quote of the day:
"Heard they'd do anything for a Klondike
Well I'd do anything for a blonde dyke"

******************

Annual House of the Struggle Halloween party is in full effect this year. All efforts will be made to blow. you. away. Be There! BE THERE! IF YOUR NOT THERE YOU BETTER BE DEAD OR IN JAIL.... IF YOU'RE IN JAIL, BREAK OUT! (10.27.07)

******************



I will now leave you in the hands of beauty: (compliments of H)

My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey July 2, 2007

Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing he does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowed them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.)

Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”

The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”

Show monkey wandering around, injured, lost and alone. Make him trip, using fishing line attached to his leg. (Try to get this on first take, because after that monkey will probably try to bite off fishing line.)

Show giraffe being chased by a lion. If not too expensive, use full-sized, realistic robotic lion, able to run at full speed. Otherwise get a man in a lion suit.

The oppressive sun beats down on monkey (heat lamp). Monkey looks up with an expression that says, “Why, oh sun, do you torment me so?” (Get good director.)

We see lion eating a giraffe. At first, we think it is our giraffe, but then we are relieved to see it is a baby giraffe.

Rock slide covers monkey (fake monkey). Show monkey crawling out (real monkey with a few heavy rocks laid on top of him).

Narrator: “Can the monkey and the giraffe survive? Will they ever be reunited?”

Show monkey trying to join group of monkeys (real monkeys or children in monkey suits, whichever is cheaper). Our monkey is driven away by the leader of the monkey pack, a vicious, snarling brute (papier-mâché marionette). Subtitle translates snarls as “You thought you were so great when you were riding on that giraffe’s neck, but you aren’t so high and mighty now.”

Show giraffe, alone in the darkness, shivering from fear (ice packs on legs). Finally, he falls asleep (sleeping pills?). We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully approaches a gravestone. At first, he can’t make out the name on it, but when he finally does he is shocked. The name on the gravestone reads, “The Monkey.” The giraffe wakes up in a cold sweat (heat lamp).

Show two female explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, nearby are two explorers, Laci and Brandy.” Show the explorers swimming for quite a while. Then show them getting dressed and leaving. We notice they have left behind a pair of binoculars.

The monkey is starving now. We know this because when he looks at a parrot on a branch it turns into a roasted, steaming parrot on a branch.

Narrator: “The monkey is now at the end of his rope. So he puts his faith in the Almighty.” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s hands together.) Show monkey walking along later. (Be sure to unglue hands first.) He sees a glowing treasure chest and opens it—it’s filled with bananas. (Have choir singing in background, so you know it’s from God.)

Refreshed and healed by that good banana nutrition, the monkey heads off. For comic relief, show monkey approaching a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey will not approach skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he will relax and go up to skunk. However, do not let him drink too much or he may kill skunk.

Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focusses on, yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.

Just then, the giraffe is shot by a tranquillizer dart. We show the shooters, two trappers from a zoo. We know they are evil because we saw a part earlier where they were shooting each other with tranquillizer darts, to get high.

Cut to a truck travelling across the savanna. In a cage in the back is the giraffe, looking sad (half a sleeping pill). But then we reveal that it’s not the two trappers driving the truck but the monkey! (Note: Use cheap truck, because monkey will probably wreck it.)

Show the two trappers sitting on the ground, tied up. No need to show how the monkey captured them; just have one of the trappers say, “That damn monkey!”

Show monkey releasing giraffe from cage and monkey leaping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: Monkey may not do this, so put monkey on giraffe’s neck and jerk back with harness; then show film in reverse.)

Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited at last, as nature intended.” Show giraffe trying in vain to reach a piece of fruit high on a tree branch. The monkey clambers up on top of giraffe’s head and picks the fruit, but then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe something to induce choking, then dub in laughing sounds.)

Show the two female explorers returning to the lagoon, looking for the binoculars. They can’t find them, so they just decide to go swimming again.

Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sunset. Question: Would it be too much to show monkey wearing a little cowboy hat? Cute, but maybe hurts reality of the documentary. ♦



I guess this is close enough.

(Yeah, my blog has nudity when the joke necessitates as well as superfluous references to butt sex when it doesn't.)

back in the real world

...and by real i mean bunk


when did torpedoes get so damn powerful? And why does that guy on the radio look suspiciously like me?

See more here.

Also, consider this your warning: If i see anyone wearing this suit, I will try to run you over with my car.


{Que the Fear Factory: Invisible Wounds}

In other news, can the Sophist transform himself from drunken Grecian-beach bum to marathon god in a mere 6 weeks? Perhaps. The good news is I seem to be capable of building endurance faster than any person I know.

se7en

Turns out seven really is always the answer. (Also, Jessica Alba is a good guess as well).

Reminds me a lot of Greece for some reasons.


Speaking of which, rather than running an "out of 10" scenerio, I'll just sum together what i learned, since I'm come to view all experiences are neither good nor bad and simply as being.

Communication failures will inevitably fuck things up.

Jokes never translate well, but friends are made by laughing anyway.

When (Interpretive) dancing to a remix of the "I wanna fuck you in the ass" song with Dutch girls, it's hard to keep a straight face. It's best not to try explaining why this is funny to you.

Getting back to my roots and taking work as a photographer only proved that while it was the best job i ever had, I'm rusty and may not have been that good at it.

Communications failure will get you smacked for photographing the wrong two girls. (It was her fiery Polish blood, I suspect)

Eating Greek bread is like walking up a sandy hill. Much more fun is walking up a sandy hill and then rolling down, but slightly less so when hung-over.

Your ears can hold a lot of sand.

A wingman, I've been told, has only three permitted responses: Affirmative, you've got the lead and.. err.. something else.

Wind surfing is not as easy as it looks but more likely than not, its faulty equipment.

Anatomically Perfect is a real thing.

It seems Europe has not produced any good music ever.

What do you call a person that speaks two languages? Bi-lingual. What do you call a person that speaks one language? An American. It's painful when everyone understands you, but has a secret language (or 3) with which they can hide their comments.

Sometimes a strip club full of Russian strippers is a case of human trafficking, and sometimes, after further investigation, it's just a good place to hang out.

The Fiat Spider was built for the rural roads of Europe and bringing it to the US is like putting a beautiful bird in a cage.

When arranging a meeting with a Russian stripper who speaks 27 languages and could likely recover a year's salary from sale of your organs, always bring a buddy.

"In the name of science" is a pretty good justification for most things.

Sometimes a bouncer will smack you up when mistaking your American Machismo for British Hooliganism.

Americans will always dominate at a carnival games involving shooting a gun. (Unless there's some strange scoring system that you don't understand because you're an American and likely don't speak the native language.)

Gypsy children are devil-shysters with several dirty, underhanded moves that can incapacitate a grown man.

The Swedes are admirably stoic to the above mentioned moves.

body surfing is as fun as it sounds and you should always skinny dip, drunk or otherwise, in the ocean at dawn when the opportunity presents itself.

Europeans have no sense of distinction between "modern," "metrosexual" and "homo-erotic," which will often lead to fashionably dressed men dancing way too close to each other and scamming super hot babes.

Fresh orange juice is delicious.

High school-aged girls with tits of scientifically-improbable perfectness are too intimidated by American Machismo to dance.

Left alone in an airport, Quagmire will be found drunk and passes out, possibly kicking the girl on the bench next to him.

Europeans have never (until now) heard the toasts "A ring doesn't fill a hole," "If you can't come in her, come honer" or anything involving a Bill Murray quote.

I'm the best male dancer on the Island of Rhodes. I don't think many people realized this.

The dude on the beach will claim that he's losing money by renting his jet ski's are 10 euro/min ($14/min). He is not to be believed.

A dozen or so topless beaches full of anatomically perfect euro-chicks is one of those ideas, the goodness of which holds up well to scrutiny and scientific method.

It's pointless to argue gun-rights with a bunch of rave girls

Everyone in Europe under the Age of 25 has spent many months or years of their lives traveling to every corner of the earth. Corporate America is a life-choking bitch and if such a thing as a soul exists, ours have been sold for Nike shoes and I-pods.

In some or all Scandinavian nations, if a girl accepts a drink bought for her, its like agreeing on the spot to fuck you later.

A good hostel is like a disco with beds.

Polar Bear 7 and Iceman are good drinking buddies. Derek the Irishman is good at pool but I can hold my own against him and I think i can out drink him. Kristine the Canadian is disproportionately hotter than her two friends and I hope Bryon the Australian scored with her. Bryon the Australian is the first guy I've ever "picked-up" in a bar, that is, I saw him standing there alone, struck up a conversation and invited him back to our table were we (with many others to join later) drank merrily for the evening. Paul and Scott, though both staying in our hostel room, you guys would never have hung out with each other if not for our roaming party of American Gusto. As far as I can tell, Svetlana is the most interesting person in Europe and though she may be seeking a green card, she is NOT as it turns out interested in harvesting my Kidneys. And lastly, to the The Dutch girls we danced with for hours: You seemed to have unlimited energy and (perhaps it turns out, because of a communication failure) you weren't interested in sitting around and drinking while we recovered feeling in our legs. And even though i was merely jumping on the land mine for Quagmire, i felt a pain in my heart when I found my dutchette several days later in the same bar making out with 3 chicks... Perhaps we should have stuck around to see how that one was going to shake-out.



I guess that's it. To sum it up, i would recommend spending your last night/morning in Europe at a London rave (because you have no alarm clock and can't guarantee waking up for your plane.) at which point somewhere in club, you'll utter the words "I gotta catch a flight to Detroit." 4 hours from rave to plane.


21:58 AMENDMENT: After taking a quick, mind-clearing run, i realized i forgot two things.

First, everyone in the non-USA free-world seems to use Facebook. And no matter how many guy's email addresses you bring home from Europe, all exchanged with the promise of "I'll totally come crash at your place some day, man!" you girl friend will never accept your explanation of International Good Will when it comes time to explain the scraps of paper and napkins with the names and email addresses of girls from all over the world. Especially if one is a Russian Striper.

Second, it seems that Greece and possibly all of the warm places in Europe are full of scooters. This leads to an ABUNDANT number of super hot chicks riding tiny scooters in pairs. I call this phenomenon "Two girls on a scooter" and every time i see it i think the world is a beautiful place and consider donating all my money to an orphanage. However the yang to this ying is the inevitable "Two shirtless guys on a scooter" which brings me back to my point about European men and perceived sexuality.

I'm sorry

but there is no reason to not live on a Greek beach and leave the world to it's own devices



goodnight

(that guy's a dick...)

robots

so maybe not all robots are evil



i still want to cut them open and see their insides.

I remember the girls from MTU

I think knowing me really changed those girl's lives... (Is it weird to recognize that the hottest chick has the best equations?)

DAMN EMBEDDED PICTURE WON'T ALWAYS SHOW UP. SEE IT HERE.

It won't be long now before Notorious, Stos, the mystery person and I storm the beaches a Greece. I don't really know what to say about this because I don't really know what the trip will entail, though with Notorious there, we're almost guaranteed to find ourselves in an alcohol-fueled Fight-or-Flight scenario with some A-holes from a UN-friendly country.


I think Mr. T should have used the phrase "drag you down Ass Kick Ave." In this Snickers commercial but whatev, it's still cool.

why does the internet distract so?

If this video doesn't seriously disturb you, then you are one of them



The internet tells me I'm
superficial. (source: Scotter) Fuck you the internet. Entertain me! I command it:



(you don't finish!)

the goings on

I've been reading this magazine online called Nerve. What originally caught my internet-groping eyes was a semi-regularly published feature called I DID IT FOR SCIENCE, which as most of you know if my justification for all the illegal, immoral and irrelevant things I've done in my life, not to mention some of the legitimate stuff. It certainly won't be for all of you but articles about (allegedly) normal people trying things like female ejaculation and a Devil's Threesome are what I call good reading.

There's also a pretty intriguing selection of personal essays that goes back a good 10 years.

Found at Nerve.com

Speaking of science, I figured on a boring Friday night there was only one place to go if i wanted to see some totally slay-able book nerds: The Harry P. book drop party. Homeboy Goddard was in the market for a book and I was in the market to nerd watch. We both left disappointed.


the scene. We estimated 2000 cars in the lot.


Our hero (not me) waits in line next to middle school brigade.


This ticket turned out to be worth jack


I was disappointed no one peed when these appeared.

In completely unrelated news, imagine a weapon you could drop over a field of say, 50 or so hard mobile military targets, like a cluster of tanks and armored personal carriers. Now imagine this one 1000 pound bomb could seek out and kill all of those tanks and what-nots at the same time in one flurry of explosion-ness... Turns out we had it all along and even used it a couple time against the browner peoples. (that thing is scary)



("i'm trying to go blacker")